Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Revisiting Old Shit

A few months ago, I was honored to be asked to write a guest blog post for Psycho-Noir, the literary lair of critically acclaimed author Heath Lowrance. With all the “Best of 2011” lists he’s made this season I really should hand over the King Shit of Turd Mountain crown to him, but this is a dictatorship and it will take a mob of violent feces flingers to get me to come off this crown. I earned it. I claimed it fair and square on a Google-powered blog site. Suck on that, accomplished author. Pfffffft. Anyway once I confirmed with him that he knew he was actually asking me and not the amateur porn star with the same alias, I was happy to oblige.

Here was my guest appearance at the used-to-be-classy-until-I-showed-up Psycho-Noir in all its putrid glory:


If you want to regenerate some of the brain cells you carelessly flush down the crapper every time you visit the ‘Mount, you should probably follow that blog. But for now tilt your head over the toilet and pay attention to me goddammit.

UPDATE: Kimmy Actually Got Her Kindle.

I did it. Sold my soul to the dark side… Submitted to the technology terrorists… Whatever. I bought a fucking Kindle.  Shut up, like you’ve never been a total hypocritical jackwad. And now that I’ve had it for two entire days, I believe I’m ready to drop some serious knowledge nuggets on the Fecal Faithful about what it’s really like to read via robot.

I didn’t just get any Kindle, I got the KING SHIT of Kindles. And I have to say… this thing is fucking AWESOME. I think it’s even equipped to give a deep tissue massage complete with happy ending, but I haven’t read the user’s guide yet. I’ve been too busy dicking around on Facebook and downloading free apps with the devilish little contraption.

And that’s the beauty of it. I can waste time doing things other than reading with this thing. I thought books were the shit and all, but I can’t fling foul-tempered fowl at a tower of unsuspecting green pigs with a bound stack of typewritten paper, now can I?

Another badass Kindle Fire feature: You can stream video; even Netflix. Now you can watch TV while pretending to read. And you can hold the thing as close to your face as you want. Did you hear that kids? Tell your mom it’s a newfangled book and she’ll leave you the hell alone. Suck on that all you silly teachers who said TV will rot your brain. If you’re watching Spongebob with your reading device, I believe you enter a whole new realm of smartness. Squidward on steroids, bitches.

(Note: If you are actually a kid and reading this blog, you really shouldn’t. Go play some violent video game or something. It’s much healthier. After all, I swear a lot here. You can probably get a Grand Theft Auto app for your electronic reading device.)

My FAVORITE feature so far though has to be that the Kindle is so anti-printed material that it didn't come with a manual. No, all you need to know to properly operate the thing is loaded on the device as a .PDF file. How cool is that?!? Now if the fucker stops working, all you have to do is turn it on and read the troubleshooting guide. Genius!

If you’re really into books, you’ll be happy to know the Kindle Fire also comes preloaded with Oxford English Dictionary. This allows you to look up the definition of irony as you’re watching gay porn through your WiFi connection in HD on your “intelligent reading machine.” And it has a dual-core processor; I’m too techtarded to know what the hell that means, but it sounds really important to have while you peruse the modern classics of literary greatness. Or a donkey show.

In conclusion, if you are one of the few people in the world who still doesn’t have one (people are eating them in third world countries and shitting out Ipods for fuck’s sake) you should get a Kindle. Or a similarly equipped device. I don’t recall Amazon contributing any advertising dollars to this blog, so buy the competition. Fuck them. Anyway, get one; then you’ll have a million more excuses to never read a damn book.

1 comment:

  1. It's good to know the Kindle doesn't HAVE to enhance your life.