Wednesday, October 5, 2011

My Diarrhea Diaper is Cuter than Yours.

If you use a social network-- whether to stay in touch with friends and family or to scout out potential victims-- you’ve probably seen a post like this one:

ProudMommy99: Vote for my embryo in the cutest zygote contest!!! If Junior gets the most votes I might hold off on that partial birth abortion after all! Please follow this link and remember to vote every day! Junior’s life depends on it! XOXO

                Now I joined Facebook for the noblest of reasons; to spy on past lovers and to drunkenly message people I barely knew in grade school, ranting belligerently about how we just MUST get together. I can accept using social networking to shamelessly promote yourself, it would be stupid not to. (Which reminds me, have you “liked” the official Turd Mountain page on Facebook yet? Stay up to date on all of the pertinent poop by clicking HERE!) But using the internet to enter your infant in a virtual beauty contest? That’s where I draw a line in the kitty litter.
                People who enter their kids in this shit are one spray tan away from being a crazy pageant mom on Toddlers & Tiaras (which I only know about from watching The Soup--I promise). They justify the pimping of their offspring with, “Oh, but it’s only to win a photo shoot!” Well in a few years when Junior is grinding on some grease ball in “The Champagne Room” I’m sure she’ll be using the same logic… “Oh, it’s only to win a crack rock!” 
                When did it become socially acceptable (and encouraged, judging on the sheer number of these fucking posts I see every week) to fill our kids’ heads with the notion that if they’re beautiful and popular, things will just be given to them in life? I firmly believe children should have to wait to learn this sad life lesson the same way previous generations have; in the junior high cafeteria.
                Call me an exploitation excrementer (it’s like a party pooper, except the party favors being handed out are kids’ self-esteem. Shut up, it’ll catch on.) But I simply cannot “vote” for one child over another in a looks-only contest. All children are equally precious in their innocence and unwavering trust.  I will not contribute to passing the notion of beauty equaling self-worth to the next generation of bullies and self-mutilators. Besides, I know my kid’s WAY cuter than any of those snot-nosed little brats.

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