Thursday, July 14, 2011

Pure Poopery: Who's Shitting in my Serenity Stable Now?!?!?

                Welcome to Turd Mountain’s latest (and first) recurring segment, assuming I feel like doing it again: Who’s Shitting in my Serenity Stable NOW?!?!?
                I realize pretty much every entry in this blog, except the ill-received Ode to Cheap Vodka, has been about things that bug me. And nothing bugs me more than people. The difference with this segment is I am singling people out. Not just ‘girls who were cock feathers on their heads’ or ‘people who use the pound sign a lot’ – No, I’ve got one target in mind and one target only.
                Who, you may ask, is on my nerves enough to dedicate a whole section of a crappy blog to ridiculing? Those who know me are probably assuming it’s Taylor Swift or Katy Perry, and you’d be right about the fact that those dumb twats annoy the living crap out of me, but I refuse to learn enough about either one of them to go beyond the “she’s annoying” complaint. And that would make a boring blog.
                So of all the evil everywhere I will tell you who I’ve selected to make my first meadow muffin: None other than Tim Fucking Allen.
                Yes, Tim Allen. The tool man. FUCK him. I HATE him.
                First of all, his birth name was Timothy Allen Dick. Yes, DICK. He legally changed his name, dropping the DICK off the end. I’m sorry but any self-proclaimed comedian who doesn’t recognize the comedy gold that is being named a DICK from birth doesn’t deserve our attention.
                Then, we turn to his line of work. Home Improvement. What a flaming bag of excrement that show was. The only likable character on the whole damn thing was the wise old neighbor, whose superior intelligence was displayed not by his kind advice but by his intuitive decision of not allowing his face to be fully shown.
                Then we have The Santa Clause. Where Tim Allen DICK turns into a fat old man in an hour and a half. Big deal, so did most of the audience who sat through that shit show.
                I’ll be honest, I can’t think of anything else he did. Until now. We’re up to the peanut that broke the turd’s back, the PURE MICHIGAN ads.
                If you don’t live in Michigan, you may not be familiar with these stupid things. They are radio and TV commercials, narrated by TIM DICK, that are trying to drum up tourism business for the mitten of misery known as Michigan.
                The first problem, they play these fuckers every 5 minutes in Michigan. IN MICHIGAN. No wonder our tourism income is in decline, we are advertising to all the people that are ALREADY HERE.
                The next problem, they sound like this:

                Oooh looks like SOMEONE got their thesaurus out and saw how many adjectives for “awesome” they could fit into a 60 second commercial! And the music… GOD the MUSIC! Horrific, really. And the subject matter – in this example, Alpena. Even those of us that have lived in Michigan our entire lives have no idea where the fuck Alpena is.
                I’ve even heard one of these suckers mention Flint.  C’mon people, Gary, Indiana might be the butthole of the western world  but Flint, Michigan is definitely the taint.               
                I know Tim Allen didn’t write or do the god awful sound editing on these shitstain commercials, but it’s his voice that is going to land me locked in a padded room screaming about the serenity of the blue waters of Alpena. What Michigan, was he the only pseudo-star from here that you could get to answer the phone? Was Madonna too busy stealing orphans from third world countries again?          
                Tim you must have had SOME sort of a creative say in this crap. Couldn’t you at least do a couple of your Tool-man grunts in the middle just to break up the tranquility a little bit????
                Anyway as many of you suspect I have written my own Pure Michigan commercial, but since I know even less than the real fuckwads about sound editing it will have to wait for another time, another post. In the meantime if you’re feeling stressed, you should really check out Alpena. Some ear worm in the back of my brain keeps telling me it’s AWESOME this time of year.


  1. What's funny is, I actually do know where Alpena is. But, only because that's where Cristi's parents live...

  2. Thanks for pooping on my pseudonymous parade.

  3. Earwigs used to freak Brent out...are they like what hatches out of an ear worm?

  4. I have lived in Michigan my entire life and in fact have no clue where Alpena is.

    I do, however, know where Flint is...but would only visit if I have a wish to die in a burning abandoned building with a gaggle of squatters.

  5. A visit to Flint is only useful to help one feel better about their own station in life.

  6. If Tim Allen ever went to flint, I'm sure he would get a tool alright, slightly resembling a sharpened toothbrush stabbed between ribs 1 & 2 .

    Flint creedo: catch a beat down in flint town.. Or we got guns for sale?

  7. i can't stand anything tim allen. home improvement went on for what like ten years or something? 203 episodes (i just looked it up) and let me give you the writing for each episode: tim does something stupid on his show to hurt himself, then he goes home and does something horrible to piss off his wife. then he talks to wilson, and everything is better. sprinkle in some fat jokes about al and his mom, some 'growing up is tough' problems with the kids, and at meet the quota of at least 72 unbearable to my ears r-tard grunts an episode and viola! how the FUCK do you do that 203 times and be considered a classic tv show? i hate america for allowing this.

  8. @Mamma ~ Ear Worms are song lyrics, jingles, irritating loops of audio files (like a song verse) that get stuck in your head... not physically... but annoyingly none the less. They repeat over and over and over and over making it virtually impossible to think or concentrate on anything else.