Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Bird Brains!

Perhaps it’s just the miniscule drop of Native American blood I have running through my primarily Dutch-Irish veins (enough to be dubbed “Pocahontas” in high school, not enough for free college/casino royalties), but whenever I see a chick with a feather in her hair I grapple with the desire to pin the bitch down and scalp her Little Bighorn style.
So why are women all of a sudden busting a nut over putting cock feathers in their hair???? (They come from roosters people, therefore “cock feathers” is appropriate-busting a nut is debatable, but it’s a figure of speech and this is my damn blog).
Now I’m all about freedom of expression. While I’m inkless myself I love a good tattoo. I admire a good body piercing. But don’t be surprised if you walk up to me with a feather in your goddamn hair and I ruffle my own wings at you and start clucking like a rabid chicken on acid.
Do you realize what the primary use of these feathers was before you started pinning them to your fake-n-bake orange melanoma scalp? Fly fishing. Yes, your hair can now double as fishing tackle in case the mass murderer who is attracted to such a morbid fetish runs out of night crawlers but still has your head lying around. (Perhaps he’s not a morning person – see English is Stupid entry in this blog. <shameless plug>)    
Let’s not forget how disgusting birds are. They had a whole flu epidemic named after them a couple of years ago for Christ’s sake. Now we wear their butt hair on own our heads like they’re the crown jewel of the frickin’ animal kingdom??? Can I start wearing a pig scrotum necklace then?? Or a rat penis bracelet?
Hairstylists are raving that you can “eat, sleep, and shower!” with these stupid feathers attached to your skull. Yeah you know who else does all that with feathers on? Nasty ass dumpster birds that feed on the 3-day old raccoon carcass on the side of the highway. How glamorous. What’s next, maggot earrings??
Just remember before you sodder that ass flower to your head: It may have come from a cock, but it just makes you look like a dick.


  1. This is awesome. Where do I pick up a pair of maggot earrings? I think those would really go with my dog nose necklace...http://www.themarysue.com/pet-nose-jewelry/

  2. Omg, suddenly hair feathers don't seem at all weird or creepy. Thanks for the link!

  3. And let's be honest...my dogs sniff their own asses, among other things...do I really want a mold of that?!