Thursday, June 16, 2011

Facebook Fury

I fucking HATE cookie cutter facebook statuses. You know the kind; they say something stupid/obvious/ignorant, followed by “97% of people won’t repost this!” like the 13-year-old that started the lame ass thing was a statistician. And they ALWAYS end with “Copy and paste if you agree,” so when you DON’T bombard your friends with the same message they’ve already read from 130 other people it implies that you HATE starving children, or cancer patients, or whatever the fuck the original post was about. You know why 97% won’t repost? BECAUSE IT’S STUPID.
Like this one:
Stupid cancer... we all wish to have a new lose weight...a person who has cancer only wants one fight their cancer...i know that 97% of you guys won't put this on your wall...but 3% of my friends will....Put it on your wall in honor of someone who died from cancer or who's fighting against it now.
Yes, cancer is evil. But how does this post help anyone??? Unless you enjoy being accused of being a selfish dick because you’re healthy, this post is worthless.  Second, people who have cancer are still people.  Of course they want a cure, who the fuck doesn’t? But to imply that they don’t have other wishes as well is just plain naïve. I know when my dad was sick he still wished the Lions would win a Superbowl.  Of course a cure for cancer is probably more realistic.
But that one’s not even the worst. It’s the MOM ones.  It goes something like, “I don’t care that I’m fat, flabby, exhausted, and malnourished because I’m a MOM and I’m so lucky, blah blah blah.” Oh shut the fuck up already! Yes, having a child is amazing, and the love you feel for your child is incomprehensible to those who haven’t experienced it for themselves. But get off your fucking high horse and admit the truth- 97%  of the time (for some reason that number is just in my head) parenting sucks!
I want to hear from the REAL moms out there.  Cut the fluff. Of course you love your kids, but don’t try to pretend that you enjoy looking like you get beaten with an ugly stick every morning. And that you just LOVE having back fat, stretch marks, and a social life circling the drain. Tell the truth—you blame your little darlings for it. At least a little.
Don’t even act like you don’t lock yourself in the bathroom on a weekly basis to keep from murdering your offspring. Kids are a giant pain in the ass, and all parents suffer some form of mom/dad guilt on a daily basis anyway, don’t make it worse by ramming a bullshit I’m-so-perfect-even-my-kids-diarrhea-diapers-don’t-stink status down our throats.
If you really want to capture the essence of parenting in 420 characters or less, choose something like: “I've been shit on, puked on, screamed at and assaulted by a small human that used to live in my body and caused irreparable damage on the way out. Because of him/her I will never grace the cover of the Swimsuit Edition, get a full night's sleep, or eat a hot meal. But if anyone tried to harm a hair on that little shit's head I will murder them with my own hands. I'm a MOM.”
If you found this guide to mass-statusing helpful, go ahead and share it with your friends. I bet 97% of you won’t.  Fuckers.


  1. It's like you have an electrode in my brain that can read my thoughts. Scary and yet somehow satisfying at the same time.

  2. This is one of my all time favorites of yours.