Saturday, May 21, 2011

English is stupid.

We have these phrases, PROVERBS, stupid cliches, whatever you want to call them. They don't make any fucking sense!!! The one that is bothering me the most lately (as in the last half hour) is "The early bird gets the worm." We've all had this stupid saying beaten into our heads since the first time we overslept for kindergarten. But have you ever stopped to think about it?

Obviously, I get the analogy. If you wake up early you're more likely to accomplish more, all your wildest dreams will come true, blah blah blah. Don't be lazy. I get it. I'm even alright with the fact that our hopes and dreams are being represented as slimy, cylindrical organisms that drag themselves through the dirt. That's all fine and dandy. But I apparently see things way too literally.

For one, we all know those "early birds." They are only out on Sunday morning, when we've had waaaaay too many tequila shots the night before and those stupid fucking birds are just singing their stupid little heads off. And their "song" sounds like a fucking bullhorn on steroids. My sister and I once noted that their call, if listened to closely, sounds like it's saying "Fuck YOU! Fuck YOU! Fuck, fuck, fuck YOOOOOUU!"

Second, I'm no Ted Nugent but I've been fishing a time or two. And I know that the best worms for fishing are called NIGHT-CRAWLERS. Because you catch them at NIGHT. Because they are active at NIGHT. They eat Cheeto's and watch porn like the rest of us normal people do at night. And then they SLEEP IN. Therefore, what the early bird is actually catching are the socially awkward, nerdy, nothing-better-to-do-on-a-Friday-night worms. Well fuck that, you can have those worms. I want the NIGHT-CRAWLERS.

So, if my vision of success is a worm, I want it to be the Le Bron James of worms. Because those early risers...... well, they look a lot like the Wal-Mart surveillance camera footage at 5 AM on Black Friday -- a bunch of fucktards fighting over crap.

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