Thursday, October 8, 2015

The Dungheap of Democracy - Know Your Candidates!


Okay, let me preface this political post by making a confession: I don't follow politics. Like, at all. It's not because I'm uneducated, or because the pointless drama and mudslinging pisses me off to the point of purposely shoving my head into a shitpile in order to avoid listening to it. No, it's because I honestly, wholeheartedly, do not care.

Before you try cramming that "civic duty" crap down my throat, I do get off my ass and vote. Usually. If the line isn't too long. But a simple Google search will tell me what candidates side with me on whatever issues I deem to be most important each election cycle; there's no need to get caught up in the crapslinging that goes on for over two long, agonizing, colon-clenching years before the ballots even hit the box.

You see, I may be on the oldest fringe of the Millennial generation, but I feel like me and my peers are the fully justified forefathers (and foremothers, thank you very much) of the Age of Apathy.

It was a crisp, autumn day in November of 2000, and, at 18 years old I was off to cast my very first vote in a historical Presidential election. On the way to the voting booth the excitement was electric; people were flying flags on the sidewalks, holding signs, honking their horns, and wearing their "I VOTED!" stickers with a sense of patriotic pride that didn't require any special act of Congress to instill. Beaming ear to ear, I punched my ballot, and went about my day in a sort of democracy-drunk haze.

And that night, like the rest of the nation, I tuned in to see the outcome of Bush vs. Gore.

What had been heralded my whole life as a momentous, magical, peaceful, and altogether American tradition of transitioning power turned into an ugly shitshow that dragged on for months. The candidate with the most votes lost. There were recounts, lawsuits, and by the time it was all said and done I think we were all rethinking our visions of the American way.

And it's only gotten worse.

With 24-hour news and social media always running, the big elections have become nothing more than an aggravating (and highly overrated, in my opinion) reality show. You may call in and cast your vote to feel like you're a part of it, but the producers <cough> Koch Brothers<cough> are ultimately going to decide who wins, and in the end, it really doesn't matter anyway. This current overflowing pot of shit stew will eventually boil down to two candidates that are really just different cheeks of the same American ass.

And now that I've got you all psyched up about the political process, let me introduce you to the candidates-- because, like it or not, one of these people is going to be the next leader of the free world. Choose who you'll blindly follow wisely.




So, without further adoo-doo, I present to you your candidates for President of the United States of America!

REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES 



Name: DONALD JOHN TRUMP


Nickname: TRUMP


Campaign Slogan: "UPTOWN TRUMP GON' GIVE IT TO YOU"


Campaign Promise: "I WILL MAKE AMERICA A PLACE NO IMMIGRANT WILL EVER WANT TO BE"

Biggest Supporters: TRUMP

Potential Benefits Resulting from Election:
  • MORE SKYSCRAPERS, STRATEGICALLY PLACED SO TO BE SHOWING THE ENTIRE WORLD OUR GIANT MIDDLE FINGER
  • SAVINGS OF $12 ANNUALLY IN AID CURRENTLY GIVEN TO ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
  • GARY BUSEY GETS APPOINTED SECRETARY OF DENTISTRY 

Americans Apprehensive About: "YOU'RE FIRED" CATCHPHRASE NOT VERY PROMISING FOR ECONOMY

Candidate's Biggest Fear: A "HAIR"ROWING WIND

Will He Take Your Fucking Guns Away: ONLY IF YOU'RE MEXICAN

What He Will Waste Your Tax Dollars On: FORCING ALL SCHOOLCHILDREN TO UNLEARN SPANISH




Name: DR. BEN CARSON

Nickname: TOKEN BEN

Campaign Slogan: "SEE? REPUBLICANS DO LIKE BLACK PEOPLE."

Campaign Promise: "I'M BLACK BUT I HAVE A WHITE NAME, UNLIKE THAT MUSLIM COMMIE KENYAN FUCKWIT OBAMA."

Biggest Supporters: AN ASSORTMENT OF RICH WHITE PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO APPEAR RACIST

Potential Benefits Resulting from Election:
  • AMERICA SHOWS HOW PROGRESSIVE IT IS BY ELECTING TWO BLACK PRESIDENTS IN A ROW
  • MANDATORY CONCEALED CARRY FOR EVERY AMERICAN
  • HE'S A DOCTOR, SO HE'S FULLY QUALIFIED TO LEGISLATE LADY PARTS 
Americans Apprehensive About: DO WE REALLY WANT ANOTHER BLACK GUY SO SOON?

Candidate's Biggest Fear: HAVING TO ACTUALLY CONFRONT AN ARMED GUNMAN

Will He Take Your Fucking Guns Away:  IF EVERYONE WOULD JUST GET A GUN ALREADY THERE WOULD BE NO MORE "VICTIMS"

What He Will Waste Your Tax Dollars On: PROVING EVOLUTION IS A MYTH




Name: CHRIS CHRISTIE

Nickname: THE TROLL

Campaign Slogan: "WE'LL CLOSE THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE GET TO IT"

Campaign Promise: "WILL REACH ACROSS THE POLITICAL AISLE... AND GIVE NOOGIES TO ANYONE THAT DARES TO DISAGREE WITH ME"

Biggest Supporters: SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, ASPIRING COMEDIANS EVERYWHERE

Potential Benefits Resulting from Election:
  • HILARIOUS MEMES GUARANTEED TO ENSUE
  • INAUGURATION PARTY SHOULD BE A RIP-ROARING GOOD TIME
  • CAN BE CALLED "CHRIS CHRIS" FOR SHORT
Americans Apprehensive About: WHAT IF HE CAUGHT COOTIES THAT TIME HE HUGGED OBAMA?

Candidate's Biggest Fear: RUNNING OUT OF FUNYUNS

Will He Take Your Fucking Guns Away: OMG NO. SERIOUSLY, NO.

What He Will Waste Your Tax Dollars On: WHOOPEE CUSHIONS AND FAKE VOMIT




Name: JEB BUSH


Nickname: BUSH LITE


Campaign Slogan: "IT'S THREE STRIKES BEFORE YOU'RE OUT, RIGHT?"

Campaign Promise: "WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?"

Biggest Supporters: HIS MOM

Potential Benefits Resulting from Election:
  • HAS A GENERAL UNDERSTANDING OF WHERE VARIOUS PROVISIONS ARE STORED AT THE WHITE HOUSE
  • HE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE AS BAD AS THE OTHER TWO, COULD HE?
  • COULD PROBABLY SAVE TAX MONEY BY USING THE EMBROIDERED UPHOLSTERY FROM PREVIOUS BUSH ADMINISTRATIONS

Americans Apprehensive About: ISN'T HE THE FUCKUP BROTHER? OR WAS THAT A CLINTON? ONE OF THEM HAD A FUCK UP BROTHER.

Candidate's Biggest Fear: DISAPPOINTING HIS DADDY

Will He Take Your Fucking Guns Away:  IF SOMEONE LOOKS AT YOU FUNNY, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SHOOT THEM.

What He Will Waste Your Tax Dollars On: CROSSING OUT THE INITIALS "G.W." ON EVERYTHING




Name: CARLY FIORINA

Nickname: NOT HILLARY

Campaign Slogan: "SEE, THE GOP DOESN'T HATE WOMEN."

Campaign Promise: "BY RETURNING TO THE DAYS OF BACK-ALLEY ABORTIONS, DEAD FETUSES WILL BE CLOSER TO THE DUMPSTER, WHERE THEY BELONG."

Biggest Supporters: HERSELF, MOSTLY

Potential Benefits Resulting from Election:
  • A WOMAN PRESIDENT THAT ISN'T HILLARY
  • EXPERIENCED IN DESTROYING CORPORATIONS FROM THE INSIDE
  • DID WE MENTION SHE'S NOT HILLARY
Americans Apprehensive About: NOT SURE IF WE'RE COMFORTABLE HAVING A WOMAN LEGISLATING WOMEN'S BODIES

Candidate's Biggest Fear: REANIMATED FETAL TISSUE

Will She Take Your Fucking Guns Away: JESUS CHRIST, NO ONE WANTS YOUR STUPID GUNS

What She Will Waste Your Tax Dollars On: 7-FIGURE BONUSES PAID OUT TO CONGRESSIONAL MEMBERS AS A REWARD FOR CUTTING FOOD STAMPS AND WELFARE PROGRAMS




Name: MARCO RUBIO

Nickname: JEB'S PET CUBAN

Campaign Slogan: "BUELLER?... BUELLER?"

Campaign Promise: "INCEST RAPE BABIES LIVES MATTER"

Biggest Supporters: PEOPLE THAT ACTUALLY LIKE JEB BUSH BUT DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT

Potential Benefits Resulting from Election:
  • YOUNG ENOUGH THAT HE PROBABLY WON'T DIE IN OVAL OFFICE
  • HE'S KIND OF A MINORITY BUT STILL ACTS REALLY WHITE
  • WILL FINALLY DO AWAY WITH THAT PANSY-ASS ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY
Americans Apprehensive About: BUT IS HE WHITE THOUGH?

Candidate's Biggest Fear: GOING BEFORE CONGRESS IN JUST HIS UNDERWEAR

Will He Take Your Fucking Guns Away: ONLY TO GIVE THEM TO UNARMED FETUSES

What He Will Waste Your Tax Dollars On: MANDATORY BIBLE VERSE ENGRAVED ON EVERY BOMB, BECAUSE THE MIDDLE EAST NEEDS JESUS JUST AS MUCH AS IT NEEDS DEMOCRACY





Name: ALL THE OTHER GOP HOPEFULS

Nickname: "A BUNCH OF RICH OLD CHRISTIAN WHITE GUYS"

Campaign Slogan: "WE HATE OBAMA"

Campaign Promise: "WE WILL REPEAL EVERY PIECE OF LEGISLATION AND OVERTURN EVERY SUPREME COURT DECISION MADE AFTER 1950."

Biggest Supporters: KOCH BROTHERS, LYING IN WAIT

Potential Benefits Resulting from Election:
  • NOT OBAMA
  • FREE GLASS OF OIL SERVED WITH EVERY COMBO MEAL
  • GET TO USE THE WORD "COLORED" AGAIN
Americans Apprehensive About: IS RONALD REAGAN STILL DEAD? WE JUST WANT TO ELECT HIM AGAIN.

Candidate's Biggest Fear: AN EDUCATED PUBLIC

Will They Take Your Fucking Guns Away: SHIT NO

What They Will Waste Your Tax Dollars On: BOMBING BROWN PEOPLE



DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES




Name: HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON

Nickname: BENGHAZI BABY

Campaign Slogan: "YOU ASSHOLES OWE ME THIS."

Campaign Promise: "TO ABOLISH THE NSA - I WON'T READ YOUR EMAILS IF YOU DON'T READ MINE"

Biggest Supporters: MONSANTO, EXXON MOBIL, FUCKING SATAN HIMSELF

Potential Benefits Resulting from Election:
  • WON'T HAVE TO PAY HER AS MUCH AS WE'D PAY A MALE PRESIDENT
  • ALREADY RAN THE COUNTRY FOR EIGHT YEARS IN THE 90'S
  • BILL CLINTON BECOMES FIRST MALE FIRST LADY
Americans Apprehensive About: THAT WHOLE SATAN THING

Candidate's Biggest Fear: RUNNING OUT OF HAIRSPRAY

Will She Take Your Fucking Guns Away: GIVE IT UP ALREADY, NO ONE IS TAKING YOUR FUCKING GUNS

What She Will Waste Your Tax Dollars On: BACKGROUND CHECKS ON INTERNS



Name: BERNIE SANDERS


Nickname: BERNIE "THE MOTHERFUCKING COLONEL" SANDERS


Campaign Slogan: "SOCIALISM ISN'T REALLY THAT BAD, YOU GUYS"


Campaign Promise: "IF YOU ELECT ME I'LL COMB MY HAIR"

Biggest Supporters: PEOPLE THAT FOUND SOME SPARE CHANGE BETWEEN THE CUSHIONS OF THE COUCH

Potential Benefits Resulting from Election:
  • RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES EVERYWHERE
  • ABORTIONS FOR EVERYONE!
  • REDUCE JAIL OVERCROWDING BY PUNISHING VIOLENT CRIMINALS WITH HUGS

Americans Apprehensive About: HE CAN'T BE A NATURAL BORN CITIZEN BECAUSE HE'S OBVIOUSLY A UNICORN

Candidate's Biggest Fear: TED NUGENT

Will He Take Your Fucking Guns Away: HE'LL PROBABLY ASK YOU NICELY FIRST

What He Will Waste Your Tax Dollars On: MAKING FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD





Name: JOE BIDEN

Nickname: JOKIN' JOE

Campaign Slogan: "YOU GUYS I'M NOT EVEN RUNNING"

Campaign Promise: "SERIOUSLY, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, I'M NOT RUNNING"

Biggest Supporters: PEOPLE THAT DON'T LISTEN BECAUSE HE ISN'T EVEN RUNNING

Potential Benefits Resulting from Election:
  • FIRST PRESIDENT THAT NEVER EVEN WANTED TO FUCKING BE PRESIDENT
  • CAN'T BE ACCUSED OF MISUSING CAMPAIGN FUNDS BECAUSE HE'S NOT EVEN RUNNING
Americans Apprehensive About: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING,WE'RE ELECTING HIM AND THAT'S THAT

Candidate's Biggest Fear: THAT HE GETS ELECTED

Will He Take Your Fucking Guns Away: SERIOUSLY, SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP

What He Will Waste Your Tax Dollars On: RECALLING HIMSELF, BECAUSE HE REALLY DOESN'T WANT TO BE PRESIDENT YOU GUYS




NOTABLE INDEPENDENT


Name: DEEZ NUTS

Nickname: DEEZ NUTS

Campaign Slogan: SUCK ON "DEEZ NUTS"


Campaign Promise: "AMERICA NEEDS DEEZ NUTS"

Biggest Supporters: FUCKING EVERYONE EVERYWHERE

Potential Benefits Resulting from Election:
  • AT LEAST HE'S NOT ANY OF THE ABOVEMENTIONED ASSHOLES
  • OBVIOUSLY A MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER AND INNOVATOR
  • FUTURE HEADLINES READING 'PUTIN MEETS WITH DEEZ NUTS'
Americans Apprehensive About: HE'S ONLY FIFTEEN - POSSIBLE AWKWARD BONER DURING STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

Candidate's Biggest Fear: THAT HE WAS BORN IN A COUNTRY THAT WOULD ACTUALLY ELECT A COMPLETELY UNKNOWN  CANDIDATE CALLING ITSELF "DEEZ NUTS" BECAUSE IT'S FAR LESS TERRIFYING THAN THE OTHER OPTIONS

Will DEEZ NUTS Take Your Fucking Guns Away: ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY, YOU IDIOTS OBVIOUSLY AREN'T SMART ENOUGH TO HAVE THEM

What DEEZ NUTS Will Waste Your Tax Dollars On: SPRAY-PAINTING GENITALIA ON ALL NATIONAL MONUMENTS



Well, there you have it, one of these jerkoffs is our future. If you're the praying type, you might want to get on that. And don't forget to get out and VOTE!!! You know, in like, another 13 months. Ughhhhhh.





**LEGAL DISCLAIMER** THE ABOVE VOTER GUIDE IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR INFORMATION THAT HAS BEEN RESEARCHED EVEN A LITTLE, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE CLICKED ON A LINK CALLED "TURD MOUNTAIN". KIMMY ACCEPTS ZERO RESPONSIBILITY FOR VOTER REMORSE. FURTHERMORE, THIS PIECE IS NOT INTENDED TO ENDORSE ONE SINGLE CANDIDATE. IF ANYTHING IT IS INTENDED TO SHOW A LACK OF SUPPORT FOR ALL OF THEM. LET FREEDOM RING, MOTHERFUCKERS.


7 comments:

  1. It was very entertaining and I even snort laughed a few times... ;)

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  2. God, those candidate descriptions are gold.

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  3. Nicely done, Kimmy. As usual you're full of crap, just like almost all of the candidates, so here it pretty much works in spades. Excellent.

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  4. Haha this was priceless!!!!!!!!! The sarcastic truth.

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  5. Very well done! ;) I feel exactly the same way, and your candidate appraisals are spot on!

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  6. Very well done! ;) I feel exactly the same way, and your candidate appraisals are spot on!

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