Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Flushing Out Feminism

Before we begin, full disclosure: I have a vagina. While vaginas are known harborers of terrorists, I hereby certify that my vagina has been in my possession at all times, and no one has given me anything or asked me to carry on or check any items in my vagina for them. Any resemblance between my vagina and the four horsemen of the apocalypse is purely coincidental. Any use of my vagina without the express written permission of the 114th Congress of the United States is strictly prohibited. 

First of all, I never used to consider myself a feminist. The word seemed outdated, the whole concept obsolete… much like “carpetbagger”, “bootlegging”, or “business ethics”.  In fact, the very word "feminism" summoned in me an image of a curmudgeonly cult; a grumbling tribe of hairy she-beasts so hell-bent on punishing the world's penises that they spent most of their time powwowing around their bra fires fabricating slights against them by a mostly apathetic society.

I was raised to believe a person’s worth isn’t dependent on what does or doesn’t dangle between their legs, and I guess I was naive enough to think rampant misogyny was something from the dark ages. Or the 1950s. Same diff. Neither era had Lolcats, and that’s just no way to fucking live.

But after none-of-your-fucking-business-how-many years of being shit on as an adult woman (not literally, jerks), I’ve realized something… I was wrong. Sexism is not only real, it's fucking everywhere.

This post isn’t really about gender discrimination, though. We all know the facts. Women make less money than men for the same work. Companies can refuse to offer a health plan that contributes to societal decay by providing contraception, while simultaneously “making it rain” boner pills. Little girls are taught at a young age that their worth is based on their bodies, yet they’d better keep the disgusting things covered up or they deserve to be raped.  Oh, and if you must dress like a hussy in those yoga pants or sleeveless shirts you should probably buy some rape insurance with that tiny paycheck, because your HMO is more concerned with keeping potential rapists’ rods raging long into their golden years than helping you rid your womb of your unwanted gift from God, you ungrateful slut.

Whew. Sorry, I got a little carried away there. Must be the PMS!

Anyway, this post is not intended to highlight all the facts I just went ahead and highlighted anyway. No one’s really disputing that there’s a disparity when it comes to gender equality. Unless you count those jerks that get their dicks in a knot whenever the word “feminism” is thrown around… Sorry ‘men’s rights activists’, but you’re on the level with white people claiming reverse racism; whatever valid point you think you’re making, you really just sound like Veruca Salt lamenting the incubation period of a golden goose.

The point I’m struggling to make here (you know how us girls get sidetracked, especially if there is a shoe sale!) is that feminism is not only still relevant, it’s as important now as it’s ever been.  With the wage gap, rape culture, body shaming, and the over legislation of those unruly uteri, our voices need to be unified, and loud.

Feminism is NOT extremism.  Demanding that we send our daughters off to college without a one in five chance of her being sexually assaulted is not radical idealism. Asking schools to stop implementing ridiculous dress codes for girls and instead start teaching boys that they are accountable for their actions isn’t some fanatical attack on the status quo.  Wanting to post a selfie on Facebook without having your inbox flooded with potraits of penises in various states of arousal is… well, that one's just a pipe dream.  Get your Dick Pic Bingo boards out, ladies – this week’s winner gets a free bucket o’ eye bleach!

And feminism is NOT about hating men… other than the obvious exceptions of rapists, senators, the 95% of CEOs that happen to be equipped with dicks, and of course the astonishing number of men that can claim affiliation with all three of those groups. This is not us against them, and we’re not looking for special treatment. We’re just asking to be treated like people. You know, like corporations.

But, I have to say… can we reign in the crazy, just a little bit? It’s great that gender inequality is finally being dragged kicking and screaming into the limelight (no, I will not insert a rape joke here, thank you), but too often it seems as though we’re getting all pissy at each other about stupid shit while the real problems, much like the clitoris, go mostly ignored.

I mean, with human trafficking, victim shaming, domestic violence, and gender discrimination running rampant, we can probably afford to let a few minor cervical infractions slip by without getting our tampons all tangled over it, right?

Hey, a scientist wore a geeky shirt – quick, let's bludgeon him to death with our stilettos!
Also, we can’t solve all the world’s problems at once, so let’s try to stay on task. If I pitch a bitch about having to specify my child’s gender when ordering a Happy Meal because stereotyping toys as “boys” or “girls” is complete bullshit, I don’t need to be twat swatted over the unhealthy meal choices I make for my family, or about the non-hybrid, gas guzzling SUV I drove through the drive thru, because chances are I have my face crammed so full of McNuggety goodness that I’m not paying any attention to what you're saying anyway.

I could go on and on (typical woman, amirite?) but all I'm really trying to get at here is that feminism isn't about listing petty grievances associated with our overworked ovaries. It's about bringing to light all the deep-rooted gender biases that exist in our society, exposing these "traditions" for the maxi pads of manure they are, and setting that figurative shit sock ablaze after tossing one onto the porch of every idiotic white male Senator that thinks the vagina needs more regulations than handguns do.

This last thought is just for the ladies (in case any men actually read this far). Please, can we stop cutting each other down over senseless shit? Whether it’s race, religion, sexual orientation, body type, clothes, or makeup/lack thereof… none of it makes anyone more or less of a woman. It’s difficult enough to feel comfortable in one’s own skin with all of the bullshit notions of beauty that society beats into our brains from birth. But we hold the power to change that right now, and the first step to doing so is to stop judging others by their dress size. Or their hoodie size; whatever makes them comfortable. Duck face, on the other hand, will always warrant the wrath of a thousand rabid venom-spewing crotch goblins.

DISCLAIMER: Kimmy’s views are not representative of, endorsed by, agreed with, or even read by any equal rights organization. Or anyone else, for that matter. She’s just some douchebag on the internet. Seriously, if she managed to piss you off you should probably just use the internet for Lolcats.


  1. CLAP CLAP CLAP YEA!!! Someone who knows (iIMHO) what everyone else needs to be aware of. Thank you.