Sunday, August 24, 2014

Real Women Have… an Inferiority Complex?

I spend a lot of time bitching about oversensitive jerkoffs on the internet.  I do it because, well, complaining is kind of my thing, and I prefer to do it while not wearing pants. Plus, what the fuck else is there to blog about, bumper stickers? Pffffft. 

I'm constantly criticizing all of the keyboard killjoys out there that are so quick to cry butthurt over every stupid little thing that could possibly, through some warped invocation of Six Degrees of Separation, offend Kevin Bacon.  

You mad, bro?

But I have a confession to make: I have become one of the crotchety old crybabies. And the imaginary issue that zaps the sand in my vagina into bitter shards of glass is the Real Women Have Curves campaign.

And the common sense to never ask a stranger when their baby is due.

Maybe it wouldn’t bother me so much if I hadn’t been blessed with the body of a 13 year old boy, but honestly both sides of the calorie-counting coin tend to grind my protruding pelvic bone. But then again, that pointy fucker rubs against everything. Seriously, ouch.

I realize the “Only Dogs Like Bones” propaganda is supposed to be payback for society’s alleged love affair with skeletal fashion models. A love affair which, I would dare say, doesn’t even exist outside of the fashion industry anyway. And the misrepresentation of the average woman is such a new thing, right? It’s certainly a far cry from the good ole’ days of wholesome, curvier sex symbols. You know, like Marilyn Monroe.

Why the hell are we basing a woman’s worth on her body measurements anyway? There are plenty of more pressing matters to pass judgment upon. For instance, does she like Nickelback? Is she a Nascar fan? Does she watch Grey’s Anatomy? There’s no need to deem a woman inferior based on something as trivial as her weight when there are so many better, non-aesthetic reasons to completely despise that bitch.

All women are unique, and every single one of us is beautiful.

The hair on the mole of her third chin is simply stunning.

"Real" women are tall, short, heavy, thin, black, white, gay, straight, rich, poor; really anyone that doesn’t have a grotesque appendage dangling between their legs that drains them of all common sense. Seriously…  I’m mostly straight and all, but let’s face it: penises aren't exactly adorable.


I’m not trying to go all “angry feminist” with this post. either. I might burn my bras on occasion, but only because I get cold and my itty bitty chestnuts don't really need the support anyway. No, I’m just sick of constantly being told to “eat a damn sandwich” when I don’t even have a pretty little wife to make me one.

I realize men have to deal with annoying body image misrepresentations as well. You rarely see pudgy or balding men modeling suits or the latest designer line of man purses.  But where’s the backlash, boys? I mean, I’ve yet to see a “Real Men Have Beer Guts” movement. So why do women do this to each other?

We’re all up in arms about some political “War on Women”, yet we’re too busy arguing about what constitutes an adequate amount of body fat to stand up for our poor repressed, under-appreciated, over-legislated, yet gloriously resilient vaginas.

Ladies, it’s time we quit shaming each other based on ridiculous notions of size and beauty and just embrace our differences. I realize properly embracing someone that has really big boobs without seeming all pervy can be kind of difficult, but if we can squeeze small humans out of our vaginas I'm pretty sure we can manage a group hug with only the appropriate level of groping. 

So, consider this a call to action. Let's Unite our Uteruses! And I don’t mean that as a pitch for the next film in The Human Centipede franchise. Unless they want to buy it, then they should totally call me.  Seriously, I’m not busy at all.

One in three gets a free fisting!

All I’m trying to say is, can we stop with the body shaming shit already? Beauty does not have a size. It does, however, have PMS from hell once in a while and you’d better not fuck with it if you'd prefer to keep your balls intact. 

*DISCLAIMER: Turd Mountain is an equal opportunity offender, and recognizes transgender individuals’ beauty as well. However, the Nickelback rule still applies. 


  1. The last disclaimer rules. As usual, you made my fucking day Kimmy.

  2. I'm glad I followed Troy's share one this and I second what he said. You just made my day! Thanks for the thought provocation and sarcastic wit. Refreshingly offensive!