Thursday, May 23, 2013

Sophomore Slump? A Second Year Down the Sewer.

The second anniversary of this blog, and I guess my futile attempt at a writing career, has just passed with all the elegance and fanfare of a meat fart in a hot car. The optimism and joy of the first year (Shut up, that’s as sunshiny as this bitch gets) are long gone, and now there’s just…. Meh.

I did manage to break into the fiction world will the publishing of my first short story in the anthology Crappy Shorts: Deuces Wild in December, which was certainly a publisher/writer match made in poop paradise. It was exciting to get published with only one bowel breaking rejection letter under my belt, but my actual debut turned out to be pretty anticlimactic. Both of the people I bribed to read my turd tale said it was okay, but we didn’t exactly make the bestseller list. I think at one point the anthology broke Amazon’s top 18,000 sold on Kindle and it was all downwind from there.

It's still available... hint, hint. decided I only manage to write a decent review when the book or movie in question is as rank as the above mentioned meat fart, so they gave me my own column-- lovingly titled Kimmy Karnage’s Turds of Terror. Because I have a hard time sitting still to even watch a good movie, my posts are few and far between. And yet they STILL haven’t fired me. Freaks.

I guess I do sort of fit in.

In a really strange turn of the stomach my face ended up in print before any of my words, when a silly little modeling hobby landed me a tiny corner of a page in the British magazine Tease & Cake.

Yeah, I’m not showing you guys that shit. Sorry.
I had one blog post go viral (and no, that’s NOT referring to an STD or lava butt like I had originally thought) landing over 8,000 hits in one day. That seems lame compared to the million plus views on each of my articles, but I can assure you it’s a big deal for a lowly blogger… at least one that deals almost exclusively in poop puns and craps posts out with all the regularity of a red meat junkie with a fiber allergy.

I wrote a couple of guest posts for the HILARIOUS mommy site PaRANThood, although most people disapprove greatly once they learn that I’ve spawned.

I took down the popular Turd Mountain Facebook page and replaced it with a smaller, more personal, much lower maintenance writer fan page Dee’s Nuts. Ironically, shortly after this I basically stopped writing altogether. Awwwwkward. So I pretty much just talk about my vagina a lot over there.

Beyond that I haven’t done shit… and totally for a lack of trying. The bipolar buttface has been beating me to death, plus I had to quit school and take on a new full time job; but mainly it’s because I've developed a crippling addiction to Candy Crush Saga.

To sum this shit up (my lives are about to replenish, and that candy isn’t going to crush itself, now is it?) pretty much all I did this year was scratch my ass, both literally and figuratively. Mostly figuratively, since I’m kind of a hygiene nut. Some people even accuse me and my six showers a day of being a little OCD, and to them I grab a hold of my freshly-polished crotch and say, “Is that picture behind you crooked? I’ll grab a level.” Alright, maybe I have a few issues. Well, a couple; I hate odd numbers.  But I digress…

Anyway, I do have a few things started-- from short, shitty fiction pieces to half assed blog posts-- and maybe someday I’ll pull my head out of the toilet long enough to finish something. In the meantime, thanks for hanging around… I truly appreciate both of you.

Oh, I also turned 30 this year. Big fucking deal.

 Cheers... dicks.