Thursday, November 7, 2013

The Death of a Dermoid

Like childbirth, every patient’s surgical experience is a neat little story all its own. And also like childbirth, no one except the owner of the desecrated vagina really gives much of a shit. Seriously, this crap happens all the freakin’ time; no one cares. But this is my blog, and I don’t have anything else to bitch about.  Deal with it.

As I discussed in excruciating detail in my previous post, I had this neat little alien entity growing on one of my ovaries. Initially I was told the ovary and fallopian tube had gone in on a Groupon with the teratoma and would be coming along for the magic bus ride to the internal organ inferno, but my doctor changed her tune at my pre-op checkup a week prior to surgery. Although she spent far longer than she needed to the first time around convincing me that I wouldn’t miss the ovary (seriously, take ALL my girly bits—I’m a good tipper!) suddenly she wanted to attempt to save the dumb egg-crapping contraption, but wouldn’t know if that was possible until the slicing and dicing began. I can only assume there’s been some sort of bonus plan for leaving organs intact implemented, thereby creating less medical waste and/or insurance paperwork. You remember Cash For Clunkers? This is Coins For Loins or some shit. But I digress.

So I was left with more questions than answers going into surgery—how long will I be in the operating room, will I be in the hospital overnight, how large of an incision will the procedure require, how many body parts will I wake up missing… all the unknowns were shaken, not stirred, into one giant crap cocktail for an anxiety-plagued control freak such as moi. Luckily I’m also a great big weirdo, and despite all that other crap the only thing that bunched up my panic attack panties was the thought of going under anesthesia.

To make a long story short (too late) let’s fast forward to surgery day.

The only thing remotely interesting from the first two hours I was at the hospital was having a hose inserted near the crotch of my humongous hospital gown that inflated the whole thing with hot air (or cold, if you prefer your clam slightly chilled), making me look like the Marshmallow Man and that shrunken head dude from Beetlejuice mated and I was their puffy, panicky progeny.

Yes, I was terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought. But my mad Paint skillz remained intact.
Despite my toasty warm vagina, I was still pretty nervous. And a complete raging bitch because I hadn’t been allowed coffee that morning, but my family didn't really notice the subtle difference in my disposition.

Anyway, after about a thousand years of laying around being bored, scared, and bored of being scared, the Antichrist himself—my anesthesiologist—wandered over to introduce himself. It wasn't easy, but I managed to explain to him that he was my worst nightmare and he should eat shit and die (no offense! *winky face*), and he politely nodded, patted my inflated shoulder, and galloped away on his cloven hooves. I assumed he went to gather the seven horsemen and some virgin blood. Or take a pre-procedure piss. Whatever. Some other scrub-donning jerkoffs gathered around to unhook my cunt cooker and take some vitals. Then Dr. Demonpants trotted back over holding a syringe of something green. Our eyes locked and he uttered the words I’d been longing to hear my entire life: “Want me to slip you a mickey?”

After that they wheeled me into the operating room and had me scootch my ass from the stretcher onto the operating table. Seriously, why do I have insurance if I have to move my own ass? Pffft. I remember my doctor explaining how they would be looking at my innards on the screens hanging from the ceiling all around me, as if I really gave a shit. I could’ve used some Pink Floyd and maybe a little laser light show, but otherwise I was high and happy. The oxygen mask went on it was lights out for Kimmy.

When I awoke in the recovery room the first thing I did was pull up my gown (you’re welcome, old dude next to me!) and inspect the damage – three small incisions; one on each side of my lower abdomen, and one straight through my belly button. I was also pleased that I wasn't laying on ice in a seedy motel bathtub, though that would have made for a better story.

Anyway, I was eventually transported to my own little recovery room, where I was reunited with my family and informed that while it was “tedious” work (I’m not sure how they code that for insurance, but they’ll find a way), in a fantastical feat of operating room heroics the surgeon was able to save the ovary. (Again… like I give a shit.)  The doctor, who had *promised* to save me a teratoma tooth if she found one, described the growth as “large and hairy” but didn’t leave me a single souvenir.  Other than, you know, scars. Bitch.

I went home later that night. The total time from being dragged kicking and screaming through the hospital entrance to being wheeled drunkenly out translated to about ten hours. Not bad.

The first few days of recovery sucked. Thanks to a wicked sore throat from the breathing tube, a bitchy bladder, and an anxiety level that was far too high I didn't get much sleep. The gas they inflated my abdomen with was not only painful everywhere from my shoulders to my stomach but also kept me bloated, without the joy of a toasty twat. Apparently our abdominal cavities aren’t quite as easy (or fun) to empty out as a whoopee cushion, which I believe puts a final nail into the coffin of the intelligent design theory, don’t you?

Where's your God now??

While I wasn’t overly worried about it, six days post-surgery I got the phone call that the pathology report was in for the tumor and it was benign. I suppose anytime someone wants to call and tell me I don’t have cancer I’m not going to complain.

And now, a week later, I’m beyond bitter and bitchy with everyone and everything in my life. In other words, my recovery is going smashingly! My incisions are still a bit swollen and my belly button looks like Frankenstein’s butthole, but things are looking up. In a few more days I’ll be back to work and have a whole new set of imaginary problems to bitch about.

Oh, and I’m totally buying one of those climate control thingys for my cooch.

Thanks to both of my readers for all the love and support. Dicks.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

An Ovary Bite?

I think I’ve made clear how much I hate being a chick. I even rebelled against my gender by refusing to grow a respectable set of tits. Hey, some women burn their bras, I took it a step further and just flat out (see what I did there?) have no need for those mammary-muzzling contraptions of titillating torture. But now... well, NOW my genetically inferior reproductive system has really shown its cunty side.

I began having abdominal pain that would not go away a few months ago. At first I chalked it up to just another side effect of the depression/anxiety shitshow that has been gnawing away at my brain nonstop since my latest (but certainly not greatest; I’ve had better) meltdown. But after weeks of constant pain and a few nights spent crying in the fetal position because it hurt too much to move, I decided I’d better suck it up and go to my dumb doctor. You don’t have to feel sorry for me here, as crying in the fetal position is one of my favorite hobbies. Now if I had an affliction that caused me to mall walk whilst sipping a pumpkin spice latté and swapping some super juicy sex stories with members of the local Parent-Teacher Association, then I would request your sympathy.  As well as a mercy killing. But I digress.

After stealing some of my piss and listening to my bowels (he called their sounds normal—I think magnificent is a much more accurate adjective) my primary care physician ordered an ultrasound of my lady bits in order to make me go away. In his defense, I’m a total pain in the ass patient. Thanks to a traumatic ER experience during my first panic attack I pretty much have to be fully sedated to even have my blood pressure checked, which is apparently a little counterproductive.

Anyway, the ultrasound showed a “large, septated mass” on my right ovary, requiring an MRI for further diagnosis. Figuring that the medical field was just fucking with me, I considered putting an end to the whole diagnostic adventure right there. Transvaginal ultrasound? Fine. It’s not like I’ve never had a lube soaked, condom-cloaked wand shoved up my twat… I did go to a public high school. But an MRI was a little much for an anxiety-plagued fucktard like myself to endure. But I handled it like a rock star (Translation: I took a LOT of pills first) and got through it. Two days later (and two days before my follow up appointment with my gynecologist) the clinical report, complete with diagnosis, came in the mail: Ovarian Teratoma.

I believe this is the appropriate place for a: Dafuq?!?

The follow up appointment with my gynecologist confirmed it: my abdomen is harboring a tumor roughly ten times the size of my ovary that may or may not contain hair, teeth, and brain matter. I don’t know about you, but I think that is fucking spectacular. I mean, if you’re going to have a tumor, it may as well be the freakiest fucking thing imaginable, amirite? Some less sadistic medical professionals call this a “dermoid cyst”, but where’s the fun in that title? I mean, TERATOMA. Like tarantula, only with sharper teeth and GROWING INSIDE YOUR FUCKING BODY. Anyway, she scheduled surgery to have the alien mass, as well as the victim ovary, related fallopian tube, and whatever other lady bits that need scooping removed and sent out to be dissected in some lab, where I’m sure they’ll come to life and eat the faces off of a few pathologists. While I learned all this back on September 20th, my surgery isn’t scheduled until October 30th, which is the icing on the cervical cake.  I mean, a monstrous tumor being cut out of my body on Devil’s Night? I couldn’t write a better ending than that. Mostly because I’m not that strong of a writer.

Anyway, the good news is that my little demon has a 98% chance of being benign. While a 1 out of 50 chance of cancer is still not a risk I’d choose to take, the odds are quite lopsidedly in my favor. The MRI showed no other abnormalities, except for something about my uterine lining, but I always knew  that bitch was a little shady. Basically I’ll probably hobble away from this still being completely fertile (Sorry, world!) and no worse for wear. The biggest unanswered question at this point is how major the surgery will be. While most ovary extractions are done via laparoscopy (small incisions, fast recovery) at the time of my exam little Georgette Stark (fuck yes I named her) was hiding behind my uterus, which means her removal might entail a full C-section incision. The fun part is my doctor won’t know until she starts slicin’ and dicin’, so I’ll get to play the Wake Up and See How Big Your Scar Is game. Trick or Treat, motherfucker!

While I’m nervous as hell and totally dreading surgery, in typical panic patient fashion the part that is worrying me has nothing to do with pain or what other parasites may be found leeching off my fertile crescent. No, I’m afraid of anesthesia, all because the last time I had to be knocked out by a trained medical team I flipped out, and I’m worried I’ll lose my shit again. Yes, all of my worst fears boil down to being afraid of having a panic attack, even though I have them nearly every day anyway. Also, I tend to sedate myself to the point of near-coma without any sort of medical supervision on a nightly basis... but having those pesky professionals involved freaks me the fuck out. Dumb.

The strangest part of this whole ordeal (yes, it gets weirder than having a hairy tumor with teeth) has been the reaction from others. I mean sure, this fucking thing has caused some discomfort. But seriously, compared to the multitude of bullshit that going through life being bipolar and with an anxiety disorder has caused, a little abdominal pain isn’t that big of a deal. I certainly didn’t expect the reaction I’ve received.

Handmade with love -- a crocheted teratoma from my bff. She gets me.
At first I got pissed about the barrage of well-wishes that were needlessly pouring in. I have spent my life fighting thoughts and urges that would make even the most gangrenous of growths quiver in their cystic little shells. Nearly every day that I’m forced to go out into the world I face “fight or flight” panic on level with being attacked by a rabid donkey that’s only sustenance has been Viagra enemas. I blow off every obligation I can in order to embrace every opportunity to hide from civilization… and the breaks only make my fear worse. I’m constantly being told to cheer up, calm down, or get over it. Now… well, now I have a glorified stomachache and suddenly I’m a target of unsolicited sympathy.

It’s amazing (and slightly infuriating) how differently people with REAL ailments are treated. Even my doctors, once hostile toward me, are now warm and sympathetic. In the long run this isn’t even a major condition. My recovery time, depending on the surgical procedure required, will be ten days to six weeks. The recovery time for my mental affliction is NEVER. But if I complain about that, I’m a whiner, or a pill seeker.

But like most things, I’ve decided… fuck it. I’m going to milk my little gremlin for all she’s worth. I’m going for all the time off from being a functional human being I can get out of this. Because when you’ve been told most of your post-pubescent life that you just need to suck it up, it’s kind of nice to kick back and leave the sucking to everyone else.

Friday, August 30, 2013

I’d Be More Confident if I Didn’t Suck So Much

(^^ and I don’t mean in the good way)

They say confidence is sexy… and arrogance makes you look like a repulsive, pig-faced whore. Okay maybe I made that last part up, but I only know a handful of people that manage to successfully straddle the line between self-assured and self-obsessed and they truly are the most charismatic people around. In other words: Fuck them. (This time I DO mean in the good way. What? It’s not my fault those cocksure cocksuckers are so damn irresistible.)

I, on the other hand, carry myself with all the confidence of a dung beetle whose kingdom of crap is always on the verge of collapse. If I ever had a single ounce of self-esteem, I certainly snorted it at some point during my high school years.

It doesn't help being greeted with SNOBS in every aspect of life. Some things haven’t changed a bit since high school, other than I at least ask the person in the next bathroom stall what it is I’m snorting before I vacuum it up with my face. Usually they tell me they don’t fucking know, since I brought it in with me. This isn't the 80s anymore, people. Or even good ole' 90s Beverly Hills 90210 Kelly Taylor shit. But I digress.

Yes, I know this is Donna and not Kelly. Sober Tori Spelling just makes a better mess than a coked-out Jenny Garth.

I've stuck my toes far enough into the shallow ends of both the writing and pin up modeling pools (weird combination, I know) to be surrounded by “peers” that are a million times better than me in their respective roles, and most make little attempt to hide their superiority. Either I’m a dick because I've never read an Indie writer or I’m an ugly slob because I can’t apply liquid eyeliner and have never graced a magazine cover… there’s always a reason to be treated like an infected wart on a platypus’s nutsack. Of course there have certainly been pleasant exceptions in both of the previously mentioned professions; hence the objects of my unwavering lust from the first paragraph.  And yes, I would hump ALL of their faces if given the opportunity, but the majority of the fucktards I've encountered I’d like to scratch in the damn eyes with my jagged, unmanicured fingernails.

Luckily, due to my own lack of effort my writing career seems to have finally hit its bathroom ceiling, so I won’t have to face the fallout of people finally realizing I’m an untalented shithead. But the part of myself I've always struggled the most to like is, well, myself. 

Modeling might seem like a stupid hobby for someone who can’t stand the way they look… wait, now I’m dumb too??? Christ. <Adds “lack of intelligence” to running scroll of her own faults. Along with “referring to self in third person.” Also “makes way too many lists.”> But there’s something about being prepped, pampered, and posed to look your best that is quite therapeutic. Until you look at yourself in the mirror again without all that professional help, but that’s a problem for another day. Most days, actually. But for a FEW minutes every few months I feel pretty… and that’s pretty awesome.

I’ve not peppered this post with pictures of myself because I don’t want a bunch of “Awww, but you’re so PRETTY” comments. If I wanted to go fishing, I’d be on a boat drinking beer and refusing to touch worms… which is a lot like what I’m doing now, except I’m on dry land. And I don’t really mind worms. Except for on spring mornings after it rains and those squirmy little pricks are laying dead everywhere, like slippery little landmines. And it always smells like sweat outside on those days, although I don't really think that's the worms' fault. Anyway, I'm just trying to write a little blog post here, so get the worms out of my fucking face, okay? Yeesh.

I’ve actually lost friends over my inability to take a compliment. I know my always-down-on-myself attitude is a drag. And all of the highest compliments in the world from others won’t do a damn thing to improve my image of myself, and its my own perception that is the problem. Obviously everyone else thinks I’m awesome. Pfffft.

A few months ago I set a goal for myself in an attempt to overcome some of my stupid insecurities: going fully nude for a photo shoot. I did it, and for a little while it actually did help. (And it was completely private and tastefully done, so sorry—even if the Google could find it for you it wouldn't add much fodder for your spank bank.) But I've long since sobered up and am back where I started… but you know what? I don’t care. I’m too old to be so self-conscious about every stupid thing.

My big crooked nose, small boobs, and weird bulges of arm pit fat are all parts of who I am. My bad puns and excessive use of alliteration are my style, however juvenile. And yeah, I totally rhymed “style” and “juvenile” on purpose, so cringe away motherfuckers. I’m not trying to kid myself that I’ll ever grace a bestsellers list or the pages of Vogue, but I’m no longer going to hide my face in public or lie and say I don’t want to be a successful writer. I’m also not going to attempt liquid eyeliner ever again. (Truthfully I've never tried it at all; it looks hard, and I’m insanely lazy with my appearance for someone who can’t stand how they naturally look.)

I am, however, going to hold my head high as I look in the mirror—as that’s the best angle from which to identify and pluck any weird growth of chin hair—and attempt to take pride in myself. Because no matter how ugly or talentless I may be, at least I still have a fabulous ass.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Panic Disorders are Dumb.

I’ve received a lot of comments and private messages on my Facebook page that my openness about my own mental, um, “inefficiencies” actually serves to help others dealing with similar ailments.  It flatters, yet scares the semi-psychotic shit out of me, that anyone would look up to my dysfunctional ass. I mean, I’m not the best adjusted ballcock in the bowl. Seriously, look at me; I’m addicted to POOP PUNS. For fuck’s sake, my main goal in life is to become a shut-in cat lady.  While I realize that is an envy-invoking ambition, I’m not quite there yet.

After asking a few of these kindred spirits if they were out of their god damn minds (and obviously, they are), it turns out what draws fellow whackjobs to me is that I’m able to make fun of myself while dealing with the daily downer that is being bipolar with a side of panic disorder.

While I've discussed my depression a few times on this blog, other than little jabs at myself here and there I haven’t really delved into the drainpipe of despair that is living with uncontrollable anxiety. But I assure you, that doesn't mean I don’t find it hilarious.

I've been battling chronic anxiety for seven years. In that time I've lost a few jobs, a marriage, and my social life… so as you can see, there have certainly been some real benefits to the benzo life. Seriously, fuck all of those things. I've moved on to a better job and stronger marriage to lay waste upon, and if I really wanted to strap on my crazy boots and go out on the town, at least I don’t have to worry about appealing the desires of a bunch of fickle ass friends. I can get blackout drunk on my own time, and that freedom alone is worth its weight in tequila.

What? I'm having the time of my life.
Since coming down from my Klonopin withdrawal, anxiety has been kicking my ass like it’s a fucking snake on Samuel L. Jackson’s fucking plane.  I can only recall one day in the last four weeks where I didn't have a full blown panic attack. And while I know the few people that have stuck close to me mean well, there’s nothing more bitchslap worthy than the phrase, “Just relax.” Holy gee, I can’t believe I never thought of that!

It’s not that I’m actually scared of everything. In fact, I’m kind of a badass when my brain and body can cooperate. I don’t consciously kick myself into “fight or flight” mode, it just happens. While I've learned to recognize some situations that don’t agree with my personal level of dysfunction, most anxiety attacks are completely random. And the situations that do turn me into a hyperventilating fucktard are kind of unavoidable. Like, going to sleep at night.

You see, having an overactive imagination for all things catastrophic causes my mind to take note of every minor change in my bodily functions, and for once I’m not talking about my digestive tract. Sometimes the seemingly simple act of falling asleep can trigger a panic attack; the slight change in my heart rate when entering sleep mode freaks me the fuck out.

Another side effect of being so in tune (and yet so far out of line) with my body is that I cannot accurately judge the severity of any unusual symptoms. Because I don’t want to labeled as a hypochondriac, I tend to wait to seek medical attention until I’m positive of imminent death. Even then, sometimes I give it a few days, just to be sure. Recently I waited two weeks to get paralyzing abdominal pain checked out, because I couldn't tell if it was truly a busted ovary or just a suppressed fart.

Earlier this year I went to see my personal sex god (William Shatner) perform in his orgasm-inspiring one man show. I spent the first half an hour pacing in the ladies’ room, holding my chest to keep the blood splatter to a minimum when my heart inevitably exploded from my chest. When I was a 90 pound teenager I loved being flung around bloody mosh pits; now I couldn't even handle the intensity of a Kenny G concert without losing my shit.

Really any time I’m required to sit down and shut up, be it a movie theater, wedding, a play, etc., I go completely apeshit. Just going to a routine dentist appointment takes at least three weeks of preparation and sedation, and I still end up squirming like a flatulent whore in church while stuck in that chair.

If you've ever had to veer your car onto the shoulder of a busy highway with your knee and use your elbows to shift it into park because your fists are stuck clenched so tightly shut that your palms are dripping blood, you know where I’m coming from.

But a panic attack typically lasts only 20 minutes. While an elevated level of anxiety can last for days on end, the actual “event” that I've grown to become so fearful of is so fucking exhausting that once all the adrenaline I can produce runs its course through my body for no reason whatsoever, there’s really nothing left to worry about.  And after that, well, I have to laugh. What else is there to do?

My dad died of cancer; somehow he cracked jokes about his condition to the very end. So I’m a little fidgety. So fucking what?

Some of my nearest and dearest friends are living their lives with very real illnesses. Every day these people muscle through cancer, epilepsy, or Crohn’s disease.  And I’m over here all like, “Waaahhh, my body can’t tell the difference between being hunted by a rabid sabre toothed tiger and dealing with the Sunday afternoon crowd at Applebee’s.”

My point is, while I appreciate all the kind words, it really doesn't take any special feat of strength to laugh at myself. There are plenty of times where I can’t bring myself to leave the comfort of my cat-covered couch; I just don’t spout off on the internet about it. But having a sense of humor and being a jittery mess CAN go hand in hand… as long as you can pry that fucker of a fist open.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Interview With the... Trampire?

Recently I took a break from talking about my vagina on my Facebook page to ask fans to message me some interview questions, in an attempt to make myself feel like less of an insignificant assflower. While this experiment did not succeed in making me feel important, it did reassure me that there are people out there far more disturbed than I am. So without further adoo-doo, here’s what they came up with. 
- - - - - -
Down and Dirty With Dee - The Dumbest Interview Ever.
Photo by Autumn Luciano - Hair by Stephanie Strowbridge - Makeup by Caroline Kampfschulte

Q: What do you look like naked?

Take a slightly overripe pear. Poke a couple of holes in it and throw it in the microwave on high for a few minutes. The resemblance is uncanny.

Q: Do you think that the over saturation of sexuality in media is having a negative effect on sexual culture in north America, or do you think that the exploration of "fringe/taboo" sexual subjects (ie fifty shades of grey or the sweet series) in media is having a liberating effect on north American sexuality?

Umm… huh? Sorry, I was too busy masturbating to gay midget interracial bondage porn. What? It was on TBS. 

Q- What’s the hardest part of staying motivated to write?

My own feeble (and fecal) brain. Seriously, if there was an award for a person going above and beyond to ensure their own failure, I would probably psychosomatically break my own legs so I couldn’t go onstage to accept it. After all, awards are for winners.

Q- Do you have to be drunk to write this shit?

Usually, though my buzz level preference is “moderate to clumsy.”

Q- How about your thoughts on cheating husbands?

Husbands in general piss me right the hell off, but the cheating variety should probably come home to find all their shit tossed into the street, saturated in cat urine, and sprinkled with rotten eggs basted in raw sewage.

Q- Have you felt any backlash from being so open about your mental illness?

Surprisingly, no. Making fun of myself seems more beneficial than any therapy I’ve been through, and my readers have always been very respectful—which makes me wonder why the hell they like me in the first place. Freaks.

Q- Yo - cashew or peaNUT - preference? creamy or chunky peanut butter?

Peanuts and creamy, fo’ shizzle. 

Q- I don't really have a question cuz I really don't give two shits.

I love you.

Q- Who is your favorite writer?

Only one? Okay… I’ll have to go with Christopher Moore. I remember reading The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove when I was a teenager and realizing that a book could actually make you nearly crap your pants from laughing so hard.

Q- So where did you grow up?

I’m a kitten from the mitten, baby. And like any true Michigander I sound like I’m talking through my nose, I consider a foot of snow a light dusting, and most of the injuries I’ve incurred in my lifetime have been prefaced with the phrase, “Hold my beer and watch this!”

Q- Is there going to be a sequel to Dolls of Disaster?

Holy crap, I can’t believe someone’s actually read that shit. Honestly, I’m not sure. The next adventure of Ginger and Lana exists inside my head (and in a few scribbles in a notebook) but I’m kind of a lazy fucker.

Q- When was it that you first found a fondness for nuts?

When I found out they existed. I believe the first time I was grounded as a child it was for telling a neighbor I was going to bite him in the balls.

Q- Have you ever had a turd so large you couldn't flush it?

Yes. I divorced it.

Q- What are some coping mechanisms you use to continue your writing when you are feeling less than stellar mentally? Do you find writing is part of your therapy?

The happy-feely answer would be that writing makes me piss rainbows and shit butterflies, but I’ve reminded readers repeatedly that this isn’t the Hallmark Channel, and I no longer drop acid. I don’t generally write much of anything when I’m feeling low, and the last year’s lack of productivity (as well as its mental shitstorm of suck) reflects that. However, if I do manage to squeak out a sweet little stinker during my down times it does usually provide a small lift for my spirit—albeit temporarily. 

Q- Did you ever consider using "Z's" in place of "S's" when deciding your page name? Deez Nutz sounds so edgy and urban. 

No. That is all.

Q- Is there anything you’ve written that you regret?

No regrets, though there is definitely an article that haunts me. A few months into the whole “trying to be a writer” thing I pitched an article to While they bought it and it received over a million views, the editors did a lot of hacking and rearranging (which is their job, and they are damn good at it), and what ended up plastered all over the internet had a completely different feel than the piece I had written. Now, two years later, I still receive occasional emails and remarks about it from readers and I cringe a little each time… although that might be because my dog farts a lot. I'm talking RANK dog ass blasts 24/7. You'd cringe too.

Q- What is your bra size?

Well, until this recent bout of panic attack-induced weight loss I was almost filling out an A-cup. Now they’re back to being innies.

Q- Are you married?

Yes, that’s why I’m so sexually frustrated.

Q- What is your favorite thing you’ve written?

I haven’t written it yet. See that? Building suspense, and shit. Now you HAVE to stick around…. please?

- - - - - -

Alright my Nutty little Shitheads, I hope that was half as tolerable for you as it was for me. Thanks for joining in! Now that the quizzing is over you can commence your ridiculing and passing of judgment. I’d hand out participation ribbons now, but you know—that shit is for winners. xoxo 

Sunday, June 30, 2013

The Light at the End of the Sewer Pipe?

So I've acknowledged that I haven’t done a damn thing in the last year on the writing front, and I've also admitted it was due to a complete lack of effort on my part. I mean, even the easiest turds require a little push, right? Sure, I've got the whole full time job plus parenting thing digesting most of my days, but we all know if you truly enjoy doing something you’ll find time. And honestly in the last year or more I haven’t enjoyed doing anything.

Except this.
 A year and a half ago I was prescribed the mind (and butt) numbing benzo Klonopin in addition to an antidepressant to try to keep this anxious, bipolar bitch in line. It was about that time that my depressive states starting hitting record lows and my give-a-fuck was flushed away, possibly forever. Coincidence? Meh.

About a month ago, my mind's overabundance of apathy finally gave way to debilitating depression during an epic emotional meltdown that was equal parts embarrassing, pathetic, and downright disgraceful. I won’t go into the gory details but I assure you, it was ugly.

Okay, not THAT ugly.
I was ready to pull the drain plug. I’m not a fan of the S-word around here (I’m not talking about “shit” you ass hair), but I was one Harlem Shake away from cutting my losses and calling it a life. But a strange series of coincidences caused me to call for help instead.

As anyone who has ever has a frowny face around a psychiatric professional can attest to, the first step to recovery (or at least a new set of symptoms) is always NEW DRUGS.

They ripped that Klonopin away from me faster than Taylor Swift’s vagina can queef out a breakup song and in no time I went from morose and lethargic to climbing walls to escape the river of acid flowing through the floor while a Nickelback cover band played relentlessly inside my skull. It was brutal, to say the least. I was given Ativan to try to stave off the benzo withdrawals, but if it helped at all then I’m sure I would not have survived this shit without it.

Now that I’m a few weeks past my psychiatric plunging, my ball cock has started to float and I’ve even had the inspiration to start writing again. (I apologize in advance.) While I’ve still got some lingering side effects of the Klonopin withdrawal and a tankful of emotional issues to work through, I’m excited to report that the silly little notebook I've carried with me forever is getting scribbled in once again.

So, will the next year be more productive than the last? Depends what’s on TV. After all, this isn’t the fucking Hallmark Channel. 

Here's your happy ending, dicks.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Sophomore Slump? A Second Year Down the Sewer.

The second anniversary of this blog, and I guess my futile attempt at a writing career, has just passed with all the elegance and fanfare of a meat fart in a hot car. The optimism and joy of the first year (Shut up, that’s as sunshiny as this bitch gets) are long gone, and now there’s just…. Meh.

I did manage to break into the fiction world will the publishing of my first short story in the anthology Crappy Shorts: Deuces Wild in December, which was certainly a publisher/writer match made in poop paradise. It was exciting to get published with only one bowel breaking rejection letter under my belt, but my actual debut turned out to be pretty anticlimactic. Both of the people I bribed to read my turd tale said it was okay, but we didn’t exactly make the bestseller list. I think at one point the anthology broke Amazon’s top 18,000 sold on Kindle and it was all downwind from there.

It's still available... hint, hint. decided I only manage to write a decent review when the book or movie in question is as rank as the above mentioned meat fart, so they gave me my own column-- lovingly titled Kimmy Karnage’s Turds of Terror. Because I have a hard time sitting still to even watch a good movie, my posts are few and far between. And yet they STILL haven’t fired me. Freaks.

I guess I do sort of fit in.

In a really strange turn of the stomach my face ended up in print before any of my words, when a silly little modeling hobby landed me a tiny corner of a page in the British magazine Tease & Cake.

Yeah, I’m not showing you guys that shit. Sorry.
I had one blog post go viral (and no, that’s NOT referring to an STD or lava butt like I had originally thought) landing over 8,000 hits in one day. That seems lame compared to the million plus views on each of my articles, but I can assure you it’s a big deal for a lowly blogger… at least one that deals almost exclusively in poop puns and craps posts out with all the regularity of a red meat junkie with a fiber allergy.

I wrote a couple of guest posts for the HILARIOUS mommy site PaRANThood, although most people disapprove greatly once they learn that I’ve spawned.

I took down the popular Turd Mountain Facebook page and replaced it with a smaller, more personal, much lower maintenance writer fan page Dee’s Nuts. Ironically, shortly after this I basically stopped writing altogether. Awwwwkward. So I pretty much just talk about my vagina a lot over there.

Beyond that I haven’t done shit… and totally for a lack of trying. The bipolar buttface has been beating me to death, plus I had to quit school and take on a new full time job; but mainly it’s because I've developed a crippling addiction to Candy Crush Saga.

To sum this shit up (my lives are about to replenish, and that candy isn’t going to crush itself, now is it?) pretty much all I did this year was scratch my ass, both literally and figuratively. Mostly figuratively, since I’m kind of a hygiene nut. Some people even accuse me and my six showers a day of being a little OCD, and to them I grab a hold of my freshly-polished crotch and say, “Is that picture behind you crooked? I’ll grab a level.” Alright, maybe I have a few issues. Well, a couple; I hate odd numbers.  But I digress…

Anyway, I do have a few things started-- from short, shitty fiction pieces to half assed blog posts-- and maybe someday I’ll pull my head out of the toilet long enough to finish something. In the meantime, thanks for hanging around… I truly appreciate both of you.

Oh, I also turned 30 this year. Big fucking deal.

 Cheers... dicks.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Flush the Female Race

The original title of this blog post was Why the GOP *REALLY* Hates Women, but this is NOT a political post; it’s simply a “why all women suck and should be executed” post. So, nothing to get all uppity about.

Calm your tits, turd twat; this isn’t about you. Well, maybe a little.
I changed it so I wouldn’t have to deal with any unnecessary political backlash over my argument for gendercide, but that title fit like a tailor-made tampon. After all, the top 5 talking points on any renowned Republican’s agenda always include stopping terrorists and controlling what is done with those wily vaginas. (Yes, I have one too, and it’s fantastic—albeit a little rebellious.)

What even the nuttiest of the right-wing nutjobs are missing though is that the two things go together like sausage and snatch… or sausage and sausage, or snatch and snatch. Seriously, do whatever feels right with your junk, as long as no one gets hurt. Unless of course your partner LIKES getting hurt, and honestly, has a little hair pulling ever harmed anyone? Here I go, digressing. It’s a chick thing. Hormones, and shit.

Anyway, there’s a legitimate reason for the government to regulate our lady bits, even if they haven’t figured it out yet.  Cut them some slack, they’re a bit slow. But this is a fact: women harbor terrorists. Sure, not ALL women. But all women capable of shooting babies out of their boomboxes do.

You see, we are armed with suicide-bombing eggs; eggs that make irrational demands for sperm, starting when we’re about 12 years old, and when we don’t feed them their penis poison they take out defenseless uterine linings  (and our sanity) as they make their messy exit from the world.

The REAL Axis of Evil
So just feed them the sperm, right? Fuck that. WE DON’T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS. Every now and then those cum-craving criminals get what they’re asking for; but instead of showing mercy they lay waste to everything within a fetus-foot, including the all-evil vagina.

Plus, all those full grown plane jacking, train bombing, Congress sitting (wait, what?) terrorists came from the same damn place: vaginas. Unless, of course, they were born via C-Section. Or like that weird Walking Dead birth… which btw I quit watching that shit after that episode because once they killed off that whiny whore I knew anything further would be a disappointment.  What, am I digressing again? Shut up and grab me my damn wine, I’ve got a full-blown barbaric attack on my little Lady Liberty to deal with here.

And maybe some Milk Duds.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

The Wild, Wild Web

The final frontier of weird.

Of course I always knew people were complete fucksticks on the internet. And why not? Anonymity is the perfect recipe for courage. Give any geek a laptop, an avatar, a bottle of vodka, the safety of their parents’ basement, and a blanket to furiously masturbate into and they become invincible. I learned this first hand in the comments section of my first article published on, where I was called everything from a bad writer to a botched abortion. I feared the same fate on Amazon after my recent fiction debut, but as no one has bothered to buy, read, or review it I really dodged a Constitutionally-protected bullet there.

This trend of raging asshattery seems slightly less sadistic via social networking, where namelessness and facelessness are checked at the log in screen. (Because none of us would EVER have evil alter egos, that shit’s prohibited. Geez.) Facebook fuckery tends to be generally reserved for outlandish political rants, shitty stereotypes, religious bigotry and bible thumping, or Heston help us: cute little gun control memes.

Are you fucking serious?!?
Those that are constantly guilty of the above crimes against civility tend not to last long in my virtual life. I don’t give a flatulent fuck about your First Amendment right to spout off nonsensically about your Second Amendment right; I’m citing a much more recent legal document, The Facebook User Agreement, to justify blocking your annoying ass so I don’t have to constantly browse past your bullshit.

My point in all this (yes, I did have one all along) is that I experienced an unexpected backlash of butthurtedness when I decided to shut down the Turd Mountain Facebook page. While it was a fun little outhouse for me for the past year or so, with recent changes in my life free time has become a rare commodity and I’d rather spend it writing poop jokes that exceed the character limit of your basic e-card.

I received three death threats—yes, DEATH THREATS, over it. One person even said they wished I’d be taken out by a drunk driver, which seemed awfully specific. I’m wondering if there’s some guy slamming a bottle of whiskey behind the wheel of his rusted out Ford pickup truck (I can’t imagine he’d drive anything else) parked somewhere in my city, just daring me to cross a street. Well joke’s on him, because it’s fucking cold outside and I’m not going ANYWHERE.

I was called a “stupid cunt whore,” which I thought was interesting. While I’m not actively involved in the world’s oldest profession, I believe this description would actually make me quite smart and business savvy, as I don’t think any other orifice on my body would have the stamina to pound out a decent living that way.

I didn’t bother to report any of the death threats or harassment, not only because I didn’t take them seriously but also because it would probably be worth the loss of my life for the headline: Purveyor of Poop Puns Slain Over Sudden E-Card Shortage.

In case I didn’t have enough to worry about, now I have to wonder if the next time I step outside a gang of PETE activists– People for the Ethical Treatment of Excrement, of course—will be waiting to douse me with manure if they see me post anything feces-free.

Honestly, I’m quite possibly the most insecure person you’ll ever not meet-- but calling me names and threatening me with bodily harm from the safety of a computer screen doesn’t pack quite the punch you think it does. EVEN IF YOU USE ALL CAPS. If you want to get to me, go for the throat – ask if I've put on a few pounds, poke fun at my crooked nose and boyish figure, tell me my work flat out sucks–  but not my decision to take down a Facebook page I no longer have time for. Morons. It’s like the people who harass others on the internet for shits and grins have never dealt with a real woman before. Oh… never mind.

Anyway, the Turd Mountain fan page is dead…. but if you want to read more directionless diarrhea like this, be sure to give Dee’s Nuts a “like.” All hate mail and threats of bodily harm will be forwarded there also, as they give me something to laugh at while I’m taking a crap.

xoxo, dicks.