Have you ever felt like a dick because you’re unfamiliar with
the latest fad? Does the rock you live under not get MTV? Does your
eleven-year-old niece school you at every family gathering on what’s hip and what’s
not? (FYI: “Hip” is now considered an extremely lame way to describe something
that is, in fact, hip.)
Well you’re in luck. At Turd Mountain, we aim to educate as
well as entertain. Mostly because we've failed miserably at the whole “entertain”
thing. And WE keep calling OURSELVES “we,”
when there is actually only one of US. But, WE’RE digressing.
Because I’m too cool for school (Translation: I dropped out)
I’ve decided to put together a quick reference guide for the not-so-trendy
turds among us.
#1: Instagram. This
is an app that can be used to share as well as add effects to photographs. Unfortunately,
it only works for bathroom self-portraits and meal plate still lifes, two photo
trends that were in danger of dying out if it weren’t for an optional sepia
tone, intentional blurring, and a solid framed border. Sure it might seem
stupid, but I assure you scrambled eggs have never looked so sexy.
#2: Gangnam Style.
A song/music video by South Korean rapper PSY that has gone viral and won’t
fucking die. There needs to be a separate penalty flag in the NFL for players
celebrating in the end zone by reenacting the retarded bow-legged, constipated-cowboy
dance. While seeming to actually be a parody of itself, Gangnam Style has still
spawned several nerd-worthy imitations that outshine the original.
#3: Internet Memes. Those occasionally hilarious (but
usually annoying) cleverly captioned pictures plastered all over the interwebs.
Yes, I’m guilty for contributing to this annoying trend. But being an
insatiable attention whore with a blog fan page where only 5% or less of the followers read the fucking blog, I
have to get my “like” fix somehow.
#4: Bacon. Don’t
crucify me just yet; I like bacon, I really do. But it appears that the pork
industry is the #1 owner of Facebook stock. Seriously, if people actually ate
as much bacon as they claim to on the internet, we’d have an obesity epidemic
and heart disease would be running rampant. Nevermind. I guess this one’s legit.
But this bacon obsession is accomplishing something I never thought possible: making
vegans seem less annoying.
#5: Honey Boo Boo. I’m
not sure what exactly this thing is, but it’s terrifying. I believe she’s the
reason behind the evacuations on the East Coast.
#6: Adam Levine.
Apparently this is some guy who sings songs about moving like a geriatric rock
star that crushes others’ dreams of stardom on one of the million American Idol
spinoff shows. I guess people like him because he’s cute, which I suppose he is
in a you’d-better-wear-a-garbage-bag-because-this-skeevy-bastard-appears-to-be-crawling-with-STDs
kind of way.
There. Now you’re up to date on everything that’s important
today. And fear not; the overwhelming urge to stick your head in the toilet for
all eternity is perfectly normal. Just make sure you take a picture via
Instagram and use the Rise filter... it will give your bathroom that golden
glow it’s always needed.