Sunday, October 28, 2012

Poop Culture: The Shit That’s In


Have you ever felt like a dick because you’re unfamiliar with the latest fad? Does the rock you live under not get MTV? Does your eleven-year-old niece school you at every family gathering on what’s hip and what’s not? (FYI: “Hip” is now considered an extremely lame way to describe something that is, in fact, hip.)

Well you’re in luck. At Turd Mountain, we aim to educate as well as entertain. Mostly because we've failed miserably at the whole “entertain” thing.  And WE keep calling OURSELVES “we,” when there is actually only one of US. But, WE’RE digressing.

Because I’m too cool for school (Translation: I dropped out) I’ve decided to put together a quick reference guide for the not-so-trendy turds among us.

#1: Instagram. This is an app that can be used to share as well as add effects to photographs. Unfortunately, it only works for bathroom self-portraits and meal plate still lifes, two photo trends that were in danger of dying out if it weren’t for an optional sepia tone, intentional blurring, and a solid framed border. Sure it might seem stupid, but I assure you scrambled eggs have never looked so sexy.


#2: Gangnam Style. A song/music video by South Korean rapper PSY that has gone viral and won’t fucking die. There needs to be a separate penalty flag in the NFL for players celebrating in the end zone by reenacting the retarded bow-legged, constipated-cowboy dance. While seeming to actually be a parody of itself, Gangnam Style has still spawned several nerd-worthy imitations that outshine the original.


#3: Internet Memes. Those occasionally hilarious (but usually annoying) cleverly captioned pictures plastered all over the interwebs. Yes, I’m guilty for contributing to this annoying trend. But being an insatiable attention whore with a blog fan page where only 5% or less of the followers read the fucking blog, I have to get my “like” fix somehow.


#4: Bacon. Don’t crucify me just yet; I like bacon, I really do. But it appears that the pork industry is the #1 owner of Facebook stock. Seriously, if people actually ate as much bacon as they claim to on the internet, we’d have an obesity epidemic and heart disease would be running rampant. Nevermind. I guess this one’s legit. But this bacon obsession is accomplishing something I never thought possible: making vegans seem less annoying.


#5: Honey Boo Boo. I’m not sure what exactly this thing is, but it’s terrifying. I believe she’s the reason behind the evacuations on the East Coast.


#6: Adam Levine. Apparently this is some guy who sings songs about moving like a geriatric rock star that crushes others’ dreams of stardom on one of the million American Idol spinoff shows. I guess people like him because he’s cute, which I suppose he is in a you’d-better-wear-a-garbage-bag-because-this-skeevy-bastard-appears-to-be-crawling-with-STDs kind of way.


There. Now you’re up to date on everything that’s important today. And fear not; the overwhelming urge to stick your head in the toilet for all eternity is perfectly normal. Just make sure you take a picture via Instagram and use the Rise filter... it will give your bathroom that golden glow it’s always needed.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Review THIS, Bitches!



I realize I’m a little late to the Amazon review process bashing party, but it’s alright; I’m not a REAL writer, I just play one on the internet. Plus, I abandoned this dung heap of a blog a month and a half ago and no one noticed, so obviously the jury wasn’t hung up while waiting for me to weigh in on the issue. Assheads. Anyway, guess what? Both of you loyal readers are going to sit there and read my opinion anyway.

Background: Some self-published writer(s) have been accused of begging, bribing, or even buying positive reviews for their books on Amazon.com to make their own shit rise on the site’s popularity charts... therefore exposing their excrement to  more readers, buyers, potential reviewers, blah blah blah. I know; I’m bored too.

First of all, who actually consults book reviews before reading? It’s not like your dropping twenty grand on a new car and need to know just how toasty your ass will get from the heated seats. In my morose little mind even a crappy book is better than stupid reality TV, so I pay little attention to ratings. I take my friends’ recommendations, but as with most issues I don’t give a flatulent fuck about what asshole strangers think. If I’m looking for a great vacuum cleaner to get that deep down dirt and dander, I’ll consult consumer reviews. For the words I scan with my eyeballs and process in my tiny pee (and poop) brain I can manage to make my own decisions.


Second, who actually (and honestly) leaves these reviews on every single thing they read? I mean, I welcome any opportunity to shove my opinion up someone else’s ass and still I've only crapped out a couple of critiques on that wasteland of a website that uses up so much of my time and money… and they've been on works by friends. That might make me an asshole, but in my defense I always use a different alias and never tell the writer of said story that I even left a review. (I’d hate for my friends to know I actually like them.) Also I've never lied. Well there was this one time, but I deleted it immediately. It felt dirty, even for a crap-catapulting potty mouth such as yours pooply.

Third, writing a review SUCKS. There’s nothing better to remind an aspiring writer that they haven’t amounted to a clump of kitty crap in the sandbox of the literary landscape than criticizing the end result of someone else’s blood, sweat, and tears. Well mostly just tears. Most of us writer types lead pretty sedentary lifestyles and sweat as little as humanly possible. And we tend to pass out at the sight of our own blood, so we avoid that as well. But we do cry a lot. And I mean A LOT.


Anyway, what I’m trying to say is…… have you checked out my new column on HorrorHomework.com? It’s called Kimmy Karnage's Turds of Terror, and in it I do nothing but review films. <le sigh>

Oh, and while I don’t have a date yet, supposedly someday soon I’ll be making my fiction debut in an anthology that will be sold exclusively on Amazon, so when I do please buy it and review the shit out of it. Thanks!

Dicks.