Have you ever felt like a dick because you’re unfamiliar with the latest fad? Does the rock you live under not get MTV? Does your eleven-year-old niece school you at every family gathering on what’s hip and what’s not? (FYI: “Hip” is now considered an extremely lame way to describe something that is, in fact, hip.)
Well you’re in luck. At Turd Mountain, we aim to educate as well as entertain. Mostly because we've failed miserably at the whole “entertain” thing. And WE keep calling OURSELVES “we,” when there is actually only one of US. But, WE’RE digressing.
Because I’m too cool for school (Translation: I dropped out) I’ve decided to put together a quick reference guide for the not-so-trendy turds among us.
#1: Instagram. This is an app that can be used to share as well as add effects to photographs. Unfortunately, it only works for bathroom self-portraits and meal plate still lifes, two photo trends that were in danger of dying out if it weren’t for an optional sepia tone, intentional blurring, and a solid framed border. Sure it might seem stupid, but I assure you scrambled eggs have never looked so sexy.
#2: Gangnam Style. A song/music video by South Korean rapper PSY that has gone viral and won’t fucking die. There needs to be a separate penalty flag in the NFL for players celebrating in the end zone by reenacting the retarded bow-legged, constipated-cowboy dance. While seeming to actually be a parody of itself, Gangnam Style has still spawned several nerd-worthy imitations that outshine the original.
#3: Internet Memes. Those occasionally hilarious (but usually annoying) cleverly captioned pictures plastered all over the interwebs. Yes, I’m guilty for contributing to this annoying trend. But being an insatiable attention whore with a blog fan page where only 5% or less of the followers read the fucking blog, I have to get my “like” fix somehow.
#4: Bacon. Don’t crucify me just yet; I like bacon, I really do. But it appears that the pork industry is the #1 owner of Facebook stock. Seriously, if people actually ate as much bacon as they claim to on the internet, we’d have an obesity epidemic and heart disease would be running rampant. Nevermind. I guess this one’s legit. But this bacon obsession is accomplishing something I never thought possible: making vegans seem less annoying.
#5: Honey Boo Boo. I’m not sure what exactly this thing is, but it’s terrifying. I believe she’s the reason behind the evacuations on the East Coast.
#6: Adam Levine. Apparently this is some guy who sings songs about moving like a geriatric rock star that crushes others’ dreams of stardom on one of the million American Idol spinoff shows. I guess people like him because he’s cute, which I suppose he is in a you’d-better-wear-a-garbage-bag-because-this-skeevy-bastard-appears-to-be-crawling-with-STDs kind of way.
There. Now you’re up to date on everything that’s important today. And fear not; the overwhelming urge to stick your head in the toilet for all eternity is perfectly normal. Just make sure you take a picture via Instagram and use the Rise filter... it will give your bathroom that golden glow it’s always needed.