I hate the stupid Olympics.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s refreshing to see countries trying to assert their dominance over one another without dropping bombs on poor people and all. But come on… these events suck harder than an airplane toilet on steroids.
What boring old bastard reached up his butthole and pulled out badminton as an acceptable standard for judging a country’s worth? Table tennis? That’s the kind of crap you play when you’re drunk in your weird uncle’s basement during the holidays, not base your sense of national pride upon.
And no, I haven’t watched (nor do I plan to watch) a second of this global display of flag-waving, chest pounding dullness—but being American I feel no shame in spouting off about shit I know nothing about. We teach this crap in our public schools, under the No Child Unable to Talk From Their Behind Act. Or at least we did, until we cut off funding for those little snot-nosed shitheads. Good thing MTV was there to pick up the slack and teach our kids how to give birth and do Jagerbombs. Take that, future! But lo and behold, I’ve digressed.
The Opening Ceremonies can make a fun drinking game. Just take a shot every time you’ve heard of a country that’s introduced. But do not EVER under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES attempt to flip the rules and drink when you haven’t heard of the nation marching in; most of us Statesiders would die of alcohol poisoning before they even roll out Burkina Faso.
So how about some events we (and by we, I of course mean me--no one actually reads this shit) could actually sink our asses into? Ladies and gentleman, try to contain your excitement (and excrement): I present to you, the Toilet Bowlympics!
For the men’s portion of the games, all we really need is sword fighting. Not that boring ass fencing bullshit; participants will pull out their penises and settle who the big man is once and for all. Just imagine the fun that could be had at the medal ceremony! No prosthetics allowed though – sorry Marky Mark.
As for the women, we’ll start with some good old fashioned mud wrestling. Nothing says “country-wide camaraderie” quite like a bunch of grimy girls rolling around in a pit of filth.
To modernize the games, we should also sprinkle in some shit that’s popular now. Extreme couponing is getting pretty big… how about we just set a bunch of bitches loose in Wal-Mart and let them fight to the death over the “Buy 1, Get 1 Free” bags of Doritos?
You’re probably thinking I’m going to suggest a crapping contest, but I’m not quite as crude as you think. However, I think “synchronized shitting” could be artistic and tasteful.
The only existing event that should stay is gymnastics, but with a minor adjustment to scoring. I propose we introduce the Rip-Ass Rule: An automatic 2-point score addition for sticking a landing whilst farting. Of course, shitting one’s pants would result in disqualification. No one wants to see that shit. I thought about suggesting adding a pole dancing routine to this event, but since most of these girls look about 13 years old I think we’d better stick to flipping and farting.
So, Olympic Committee – get on it! I’m hoping for a much more excrementally exciting 2016. Although even with my proposed changes I’m sure I’d still ignore the global calamity in favor of sixteen straight days of soft porn. What? I like the story lines. Shut up.