As May approaches, so does the one year anniversary of this crap
cavern of a blog. Since my bat shit crazy self sees my “career” as a colossal
failure since no one has offered me a million dollars to write a novel to be
transformed into a summer blockbuster film (yet!),
I decided to write a self-indulgent post where I pilfer through the poop of the
last year and remind myself that it has only been a moderate waste of time. And
by the way, who the hell coined the term ‘bat shit crazy’??? Just how mentally unstable can
poop really be? I mean sure, bats
give their dung a weird name (guano--wtf?) but I’d consider the droppings of the flying
rabid rats exotic at best. But, as usual, I digress.
image via Plumeria Cake Studio |
This blog was born on a drunken whim, as most marvels of
modern manure are. It wasn't ever intended to be shown to anyone, but again I
got drunk (seeing a trend here?) and showed it to a friend, who then shared it
with her friends, and, well, pretty soon my shit was splattered all over the
‘net. (And by “all over” I mean about six people read it. Shut up, this is MY
self-gratifying story and I’ll tell it however I want.)
As my confidence (and vocabulary of poop puns) grew, I
decided to explore other outlets for my nonsensical bullshit. This led to what
would end up being the biggest “break” of my feces-flinging career, the
publication of my first Cracked.com article: 5 Scientific Reasons Your Idea of Happiness is Wrong. It took 3
months to the day from the first Turd Mountain blog post to blow my proverbial
load and reach over a million readers, many of which made comments that they
fucked my mother and I should be tortured and murdered for being such a waste
of human flesh. I had arrived.
I wrote one more article for Cracked before I decided I was
too good for paying gigs (Translation: They rejected two pitches and I quit
trying), this one with the turdtastic Monte Richard, who got first billing
because apparently the editors hate me even more than they hate someone whose
last name is synonymous with Dick. 7 Animals That Are One Flaw Away From Taking Over the World is sitting at
1.3+ million views to date, and the computer-chair critics only went ape shit
over a stupid insect-arachnid fart pas (see what I did there?) that wasn’t even
in one of my penned sections. Success in anonymity!
Although the trials and tribulations of real life shoved an oversized cork up my ass around
mid-October of last year, I still managed to squeeze out a few mediocre satire
pieces for the seemingly defunct local website City Satirical (the lights are on but no one’s been dropping deuces there for quite a while).
Perhaps my proudest moments in this diarrhea deluge of a
year have been being asked to write guest posts for blogs much classier
(Translation: people actually read them) than this dung heap. I’d like to thank
Psycho Noir and Holdin’ Holden, for not only inviting me to poop on their parade
but actually publishing and promoting my shit no matter how much it soiled
their reputations. (Links to my actual posts can be found on the left sidebar--if the blog owners didn’t wise up and delete my crap, of
course.)
The latest site to recruit the sewer service of the
self-proclaimed Queen Shit has been HorrorHomework.com,
which actually makes sense since they’re dedicated to the gross and obscene.
Other than my inability to write a coherent review, which is what they expect of
me, it seems to be a perfect fit. (Translation: I haven't had my passwords revoked yet.)
So a year of defecating with the door open to the world has almost
elapsed. You may be wondering what’s next. Probably not, but if you read this
far you’re obviously at least mildly curious. Or just extremely masochistic.
Either way, thanks for hanging around.
Most recently I’ve been experimenting with writing fiction. I’m not sure if any of my tall turd tales will ever see the light of day or if they will ferment into fertilizer for my hard drive, but it’s been a refreshing change of pace from the usual crap. Perhaps I'll focus more on this blog, expanding the Mountain of Manure into a true Excrement Empire. But then again I’ve been contemplating quitting this crap altogether; sewing my “Year as a Writer” badge on my Shithead Squad sash and moving on to some other fecalicious failure.
Most recently I’ve been experimenting with writing fiction. I’m not sure if any of my tall turd tales will ever see the light of day or if they will ferment into fertilizer for my hard drive, but it’s been a refreshing change of pace from the usual crap. Perhaps I'll focus more on this blog, expanding the Mountain of Manure into a true Excrement Empire. But then again I’ve been contemplating quitting this crap altogether; sewing my “Year as a Writer” badge on my Shithead Squad sash and moving on to some other fecalicious failure.
As a bonus (or punishment) to all you butt nuggets for
sticking with me this year, I’ve replaced my curly zucchini profile picture with
an actual picture of myself. I apologize for any nausea this may induce.
While I don’t know exactly what the future holds, one thing is certain:
once this colon cork pops you’d all better take cover; a shit storm is coming.