Saturday, December 1, 2012

Confessions of a Meat Eater.


Of all the content I’ve crapped on throughout the life of this brainless little blog, the thing that received the greatest backlash of butthurtedness (shut up, it’s a word) was my jab at the internet's love affair with bacon. People are apparently quite passionate about their pork products.  Now don’t get me wrong, like any good American most of my hopes and dreams are wrapped in bacon. But Bacongate has brought to the forefront a bitch that needs to be pitched: fucking vegans.

I have a lot of friends that are vegans. At least I did, before posting this rant. I also have a lot of friends that eat cheese smothered steak every hour on the hour and then wash it down with a glass of baby seal’s blood, while wearing the pelts of a hundred puppies and kicking kittens in their itty bitty throats.  My point is I don’t give a feathered fuck what you do or don’t eat… as long as you don’t tell me what to cram in my own face hole.


And that’s where the problem lies with veganism. Apparently a diet deficient in meat and dairy causes a person to preach pompously at anyone who picks up a pork chop. Vegans are an awful lot like uber Christians; both are always spewing their scruples in your face at every opportunity... the main difference being that vegans manage to make valid points.

I wholefartedly believe that vegans, in general, are not only physically healthier but more environmentally and socially conscious individuals than us animal-eating assholes. No one can dispute that the factory farms that us meat munching morons depend on to give us our fried flesh fix are contributing heavily to the destruction of the planet… not to mention filling our bloated bodies with toxins. Delicious, juicy, falling-off-the-bone toxins.


I do care about the Earth. I don’t give much of a shit for the people on it, but I don’t want the whole planet to implode just because we were dicks to it. And I care about my own health (a little) and that of my family. I love animals and could fill a fucking ark with all of the pets I've adopted or rescued. Most of the meat I buy comes from a small, single-family operated local farm. I do what I can to cut down on energy usage and waste. I reduce, reuse, recycle, and whatever the fuck else that starts with “R” I can to try to limit the amount of filth that infiltrates the atmosphere. But all it takes is one uppity Facebook post from a vegan and suddenly my BLT is sodomizing Mother Earth… and apparently she’s not into that.

Then there’s the outspoken celebrity support. Joaquin Phoenix, really? I’d kick him out of the Clean Colon Club if I was a vegan. It’s hard to take any movement seriously with his ridiculous ass at the helm. I’d rather take dietary advice from Jeffrey Dahmer.

Please note: This is Phoenix, not Dahmer.

And how come they have to refer to every dish they eat as being vegan? We get it, you don’t eat animal products. You don’t have to tell me you’re eating vegan cookies, or vegan soup. I don’t refer to my double cheeseburger as a murder sandwich. I tried to cook from a vegan recipe once, but when I didn’t even know what half of the ingredients were or where the hell I would find them I gave up and snapped into a Slim Jim.

But seriously, despite my name-calling, incessant bitching, and spewing of alliterative anger I have nothing but respect for vegans. What I can’t stand is the immense guilt I feel when I’m around them. Their ideals are admirable and unwavering.  So why don’t I convert if I love them so much? One word: cheese.

You hear people say that their bodies are 70% water… well mine is 90% cheddar. I think I could give up steak, eggs, and even bacon (fuck, I’m going to be crucified by the meat-eating masses for that again). But take my cheese curds away and I’m likely to cut your face off and serve it with some fava beans and a nice chianti.


In conclusion, vegans—I love you. Keep saving the world, one broccoli floret at a time. But please, PLEASE, shut the fuck up already! It's not like your shit doesn't stink. 

Wait, does it stink?

23 comments:

  1. Fucking hilarious.... I read this while eating a big fat burger topped with a pound of bacon, pulled pork and covered in hot melted sharp cheddar cheese! Im gonna regret this burger tomkrrow while having raging lava ass and volcano shits!

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  2. Love it! and I am a Vegan! I hate preachers!

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    1. Thank you for commenting! It's good to know there's at least one vegan out there who doesn't want to kill me. Although I think murdering me would be very unveganlike....

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    2. Yet you informed us you're vegan ;)

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    3. She informed us she was vegan on a vegan related post. Not just to let us know she's vegan. womp womp

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  3. omg i laughed my fucking ass off while reading!! you are soo right!

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  4. Finally someone speaks the truth. Awesome and hilarious!

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  5. Preach it,sista! And may the cheese runneth ovah!

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  6. Our poo smells like peace. Our farts sound like the collective sigh of all the spared lives.

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  7. failed vegan here. Because of bacon and cheese. But don't worry, I torture my own psyche with images of still-kicking piggies bleeding to death upside-down on a hook.

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  8. Sounds like Kat Farmer is a preacher! I KNOW your shit stinks-green veggies smell worse than pig shit when they are excreted-ask me and I'll admit it-my shit stinks-even moreso when I've eaten green veggies! How can one NOT think broccoli stinks like hell after digestion. Tofu-now there's something I know nothing about-it looks awful and I'm not going to force myself to eat some nasty shit like that. If God didn't want us to eat animals he wouldn't have made them out of meat!

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  9. That was good. Why don't I read your drivel more often? Oh, thats right, we're mortal enemies. Still funny though.

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    1. Spoken like a true future husband. I don't know what I'm more excited for, our nuptials or the inevitable murder-suicide to follow.

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  10. I thought you said you were a girl. This is far too funny to be written by a girl. I'm not taking anymore chances since that ChatRoulette incident.

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    1. Oh no, I'm not falling for that trick EVER AGAIN. If you want to see my vagina so bad you'll just have to search for it on the web like everyone else.

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  11. Great post!! Now let's take on the Christians and the Atheists! I have two kids that are Atheists and one of them is as annoying as the Bible Thumpers... It's like all you get now, when you talk with someone, is what they are 'believing' at the moment. We can't have a normal conversation anymore! Society is always breaking your balls about something 'important' to them...the election is over, finally, and you think you will get a break about them bitching about Obama or Romney, BUT NO!! I get on FB and I wana put a gun to my head! It's all about politics, "Click if you love Jesus", (like GOD has a fucking organization that monitors everyone on FB and shits on you if you don't "share" that you "Love Jesus") Then there is the cancer, autism, health shit "post this on your profile for an hour - but I know you people won't" guilt trips, who's kid is missing, who's looking for their adopted kid, and the ever fucking annoying "My Mom said I could get a Goddamn puppy if I get a million likes" bullshit. WTF? Makes me wana take a bath with a fucking toaster!! Now, to me, FB only stands for "fucking bitching."

    I'm glad I live on a 40 acre farm and can just chill out and not come in contact with anyone if I don't want to. (Yes, and to insure that I have numerous signs outside my gate that say, "Beyond this sign, deadly force is authorized", "Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again" when you get to the end of my driveway near my house there is one that says, "YOU ARE NOW IN RANGE" and on my door I have, "We only call 911 to pick up the bodies", and a sign attached by the front door that says, "WARNING - AMMUNITION RELOADING AREA. YOU HAVE BEEN FULLY WARNED AND WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURY OR LOSS OF LIFE."

    In conclusion I'd like to say, "People, grow some fucking balls, pull your head out of your ass, and quit spewing hate and cramming shit down our throats all the time!!" I'd love to get on FB and find out what people are DOING, just post once a day, don't treat your FB like a twitter account either! When we talk on the streets just tell me about YOU, not about what's bothering you, or what you are passionate about. Just YOU. (And, actually, I really don't give a fuck about that - but it beats the hell out of listening to you bitch and moan about the President or whatever is twisting your titties at the moment...)

    In other words, I don't give fucks 24/7/365! Any questions??!! (Kim - are we sisters?!! LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!) And this is an alias I'm using so no one can find me!! LMAO I 'liked' your page on FB "Dee's Nuts" so find me if you want, under my real name... (Challenge accepted?)

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    1. I hate the one's that start out 'please pray for me' or prayers needed! Then they proceed to tell you about all the shit going on in their lives! OMFG!

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