Sunday, October 14, 2012

Review THIS, Bitches!



I realize I’m a little late to the Amazon review process bashing party, but it’s alright; I’m not a REAL writer, I just play one on the internet. Plus, I abandoned this dung heap of a blog a month and a half ago and no one noticed, so obviously the jury wasn’t hung up while waiting for me to weigh in on the issue. Assheads. Anyway, guess what? Both of you loyal readers are going to sit there and read my opinion anyway.

Background: Some self-published writer(s) have been accused of begging, bribing, or even buying positive reviews for their books on Amazon.com to make their own shit rise on the site’s popularity charts... therefore exposing their excrement to  more readers, buyers, potential reviewers, blah blah blah. I know; I’m bored too.

First of all, who actually consults book reviews before reading? It’s not like your dropping twenty grand on a new car and need to know just how toasty your ass will get from the heated seats. In my morose little mind even a crappy book is better than stupid reality TV, so I pay little attention to ratings. I take my friends’ recommendations, but as with most issues I don’t give a flatulent fuck about what asshole strangers think. If I’m looking for a great vacuum cleaner to get that deep down dirt and dander, I’ll consult consumer reviews. For the words I scan with my eyeballs and process in my tiny pee (and poop) brain I can manage to make my own decisions.


Second, who actually (and honestly) leaves these reviews on every single thing they read? I mean, I welcome any opportunity to shove my opinion up someone else’s ass and still I've only crapped out a couple of critiques on that wasteland of a website that uses up so much of my time and money… and they've been on works by friends. That might make me an asshole, but in my defense I always use a different alias and never tell the writer of said story that I even left a review. (I’d hate for my friends to know I actually like them.) Also I've never lied. Well there was this one time, but I deleted it immediately. It felt dirty, even for a crap-catapulting potty mouth such as yours pooply.

Third, writing a review SUCKS. There’s nothing better to remind an aspiring writer that they haven’t amounted to a clump of kitty crap in the sandbox of the literary landscape than criticizing the end result of someone else’s blood, sweat, and tears. Well mostly just tears. Most of us writer types lead pretty sedentary lifestyles and sweat as little as humanly possible. And we tend to pass out at the sight of our own blood, so we avoid that as well. But we do cry a lot. And I mean A LOT.


Anyway, what I’m trying to say is…… have you checked out my new column on HorrorHomework.com? It’s called Kimmy Karnage's Turds of Terror, and in it I do nothing but review films. <le sigh>

Oh, and while I don’t have a date yet, supposedly someday soon I’ll be making my fiction debut in an anthology that will be sold exclusively on Amazon, so when I do please buy it and review the shit out of it. Thanks!

Dicks.

3 comments:

  1. Have i mentioned just how much i love you? Cause you just said what so many we know have wanted to. FYI... I love books that can also be used to prop up a fan that extra little bit. Makes the waste of money a little more bearable. Mwuahahahaha! <3 you shitface!

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  2. I read every single word you post. I don't necessarily parade the fact that I stalk your shit everywhere in public, at least I try not to... Anyway, I have hardly ever been to Amazon..maybe I'm missing something

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