First off, I hate TV. That is, live TV. I prefer to get into a series via Netflix four years after it’s been cancelled and then try to strike up conversations around the water cooler (or toilet tank) about it as though it’s relevant. There are few exceptions to the Kimmy “wait until it’s stale as shit” rule, and they are The Walking Dead, NCAA/NFL football, and motherfuckin’ Shark Week.
Closing ceremonies of the Olympics were doubly grand for me this year. First, it meant the crappy ass Olympics were finally done. Second, and most importantly, it meant Shark Week would be kicking off. (And no, I didn’t watch the closing ceremonies, but maybe I’ll catch in on the History Channel in 50 years.)
So there I was: in my pajamas, surrounded by cats, under six blankets, moderately buzzed, and ready to watch some sweatpants-soiling shark action. And then… it happened. <cue Jaws music>
As a great white shark breeched gloriously from the sea, something in the bottom left corner of the TV tore my eyes away from the awe-inspiring beauty of mother nature’s most perfect killing machine.
So I paraphrased a bit, shut up. You get the gist.
And it lasted the whole show. Every tweet was plucked directly from the pooper of cyber society; not a single clever quip among them. I know my hatred for Twitter is well documented, but even if I embraced the trend and became a disciple of my favorite dickheads that can spit mad wit using 140 characters or less I’m sure I’d still be pretty pissed off. Shark Week is sacred, people; and showcasing shittily-worded live tweets while a majestic great white shark turns a blubbery seal into a giant ball of fish feces is fucking blasphemous.
But fear not fecal fanatics; I've got a plan. From here on, anyone who engages in live tweeting during a TV program will be forced to sit on a hashtag-shaped raft crafted of raw fish flesh floating off the shore of Seal Island. I'm still looking for volunteers to help enforce this Mandate Against Morons, if you'd like to sign up please join the Poop Army on Facebook (because we totally keep it classy on the old FB, yo.)
So, still got that brilliant blurb you're just dying like a deformed baby seal to tweet?