Saturday, April 28, 2012

Tooting My Own Butt Trumpet: A Year of Shits, Grins, & Pitched Bitches


As May approaches, so does the one year anniversary of this crap cavern of a blog. Since my bat shit crazy self sees my “career” as a colossal failure since no one has offered me a million dollars to write a novel to be transformed into a summer blockbuster film (yet!), I decided to write a self-indulgent post where I pilfer through the poop of the last year and remind myself that it has only been a moderate waste of time. And by the way, who the hell coined the term ‘bat shit crazy’??? Just how mentally unstable can poop really be? I mean sure, bats give their dung a weird name (guano--wtf?) but I’d consider the droppings of the flying rabid rats exotic at best. But, as usual, I digress.
image via Plumeria Cake Studio
This blog was born on a drunken whim, as most marvels of modern manure are. It wasn't ever intended to be shown to anyone, but again I got drunk (seeing a trend here?) and showed it to a friend, who then shared it with her friends, and, well, pretty soon my shit was splattered all over the ‘net. (And by “all over” I mean about six people read it. Shut up, this is MY self-gratifying story and I’ll tell it however I want.)

As my confidence (and vocabulary of poop puns) grew, I decided to explore other outlets for my nonsensical bullshit. This led to what would end up being the biggest “break” of my feces-flinging career, the publication of my first Cracked.com article: 5 Scientific Reasons Your Idea of Happiness is Wrong. It took 3 months to the day from the first Turd Mountain blog post to blow my proverbial load and reach over a million readers, many of which made comments that they fucked my mother and I should be tortured and murdered for being such a waste of human flesh. I had arrived.

I wrote one more article for Cracked before I decided I was too good for paying gigs (Translation: They rejected two pitches and I quit trying), this one with the turdtastic Monte Richard, who got first billing because apparently the editors hate me even more than they hate someone whose last name is synonymous with Dick. 7 Animals That Are One Flaw Away From Taking Over the World is sitting at 1.3+ million views to date, and the computer-chair critics only went ape shit over a stupid insect-arachnid fart pas (see what I did there?) that wasn’t even in one of my penned sections. Success in anonymity!

Although the trials and tribulations of real life shoved an oversized cork up my ass around mid-October of last year, I still managed to squeeze out a few mediocre satire pieces for the seemingly defunct local website City Satirica(the lights are on but no one’s been dropping deuces there for quite a while).

Perhaps my proudest moments in this diarrhea deluge of a year have been being asked to write guest posts for blogs much classier (Translation: people actually read them) than this dung heap. I’d like to thank Psycho Noir and Holdin’ Holden, for not only inviting me to poop on their parade but actually publishing and promoting my shit no matter how much it soiled their reputations. (Links to my actual posts can be found on the left sidebar--if the blog owners didn’t wise up and delete my crap, of course.)

The latest site to recruit the sewer service of the self-proclaimed Queen Shit has been HorrorHomework.com, which actually makes sense since they’re dedicated to the gross and obscene. Other than my inability to write a coherent review, which is what they expect of me, it seems to be a perfect fit. (Translation: I haven't had my passwords revoked yet.)

So a year of defecating with the door open to the world has almost elapsed. You may be wondering what’s next. Probably not, but if you read this far you’re obviously at least mildly curious. Or just extremely masochistic. Either way, thanks for hanging around.

 Most recently I’ve been experimenting with writing fiction. I’m not sure if any of my tall turd tales will ever see the light of day or if they will ferment into fertilizer for my hard drive, but it’s been a refreshing change of pace from the usual crap. Perhaps I'll focus more on this blog, expanding the Mountain of Manure into a true Excrement Empire. But then again I’ve been contemplating quitting this crap altogether; sewing my “Year as a Writer” badge on my Shithead Squad sash and moving on to some other fecalicious failure.

As a bonus (or punishment) to all you butt nuggets for sticking with me this year, I’ve replaced my curly zucchini profile picture with an actual picture of myself. I apologize for any nausea this may induce.

While I don’t know exactly what the future holds, one thing is certain: once this colon cork pops you’d all better take cover; a shit storm is coming.

5 comments:

  1. Well, I for one think you have accomplished much and there's only going up from the mount-o-turd

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  2. i fucking love you!! happy birthday to my favorite shit pile on the web! <3

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  3. That's a great fucking year right there. Here's to the next one being even better!

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  4. I have you on here now...<3 M

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