Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Tribute to a Treasured Turd.

We're going to have to break from the poop puns for a minute to acknowledge the passing of a dear member of the Turd Mountain family. If you follow Turd Mountain on Facebook you have probably already heard of the passing of my fecally friendly feline. If you're not following us on Facebook, what the hell?!? Show some love, people. I base all my feelings of self worth on those little blue thumb-up icons, so quit being a jackass and follow the Turd Mountain page. Dicks.

Anyway, I cleaned this cat's poop every day (or every other day, if I was feeling lazy) for the past 3 1/2 years and I feel he deserves his obituary to be read by at least 4 people, which is why I'm posting it here.

Dearly Departed Defecator




Randall Graves Koter Dee (aliases Randall Grandall, Chester the Molester), age 3.75, unexpectedly ascended to the great cat nip mountain in the sky on January 10th, 2012. Randall was known for his agility despite his girth; he could easily launch his 15-lbs of blubbery beautifulness over a 4 foot animal gate if there was something exciting to play soccer with on the other side.

However, Randall was probably best known for being an equal-opportunity human molester. He inappropriately pawed at everyone he met, regardless of race, religion, creed, gender, or sexual orientation.

While not much of a cuddler, Randall was frequently found nibbling on his owners while they slept. It is generally believed his dream was for his humans to die in their home so that he could eat them, but he refused to comment on the theory.

Found abandoned under a semi-truck trailer at the age of 3 months, Randall was taken in by Kimmy Dee and quickly accepted into her world of weird and misfit pets. His defining characteristic as a child was his uncanny ability to let a silent-but-deadly toxic cloud out of his anus every time he was picked up by a human. While he outgrew this pungent phase, it cemented his place in the hearts and noses of the Dee family forever.

Randall was preceded in death by his feline stepbrothers Bubba (who made him appear thin) and his sickly little buddy Captain Marley Lucas Sugar Mittens. Also preceding him to the ash pile errr pearly gates was his first dog buddy, K.J.

Randall is survived by his elderly step brother Jebus, 11, annoying little step-sister Bubble, 9 months, and the dog he loved to taunt when he was crated but hid from when he was loose, Tyson, 2.

From left: Jebus, Randall, Bubble.
In lieu of flowers, the Dee family is requesting donations be made to Randall’s favorite charity: Fat Cats Need Love Too.

A private service will be held this evening, where all members of the Dee family will roll around in cat nip on the living room floor and then pass out on our backs with our legs and arms up in the air in tribute to Randall, who preferred to sleep off a good buzz that way.



Rest in peace, ya sweet little butt nugget. We'll never forget (or stop loving) your fat ass.

4 comments:

  1. Aaaaaaw what a nice tribute. So sorry to hear about this!

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  2. A wonderful tribute to one of the lion pride who call Turd Mountain, home. As someone with a geriatric chocolate lab/border collie mix (whose primary nickname is "Turd") who has outlived all estimates of maximum age (14 years, next month) for a dog with congestive heart failure, I fully sympathize with how you're feeling. The only advice I can offer is to let the grief run it's course, and focus on all the good times. Fig will probably be contacting you guys soon about getting together in a week or two. I've got a serious jones to hang with my GR crew! Hope you and the cripple can attend.

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  3. Simply sorry for your severely shitty loss. Hope Randall rips in the afterlife.

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