Anyway, I cleaned this cat's poop every day (or every other day, if I was feeling lazy) for the past 3 1/2 years and I feel he deserves his obituary to be read by at least 4 people, which is why I'm posting it here.
Dearly Departed Defecator
Randall Graves Koter Dee (aliases Randall Grandall, Chester the Molester), age 3.75, unexpectedly ascended to the great cat nip mountain in the sky on January 10th, 2012. Randall was known for his agility despite his girth; he could easily launch his 15-lbs of blubbery beautifulness over a 4 foot animal gate if there was something exciting to play soccer with on the other side.
However, Randall was probably best known for being an equal-opportunity human molester. He inappropriately pawed at everyone he met, regardless of race, religion, creed, gender, or sexual orientation.
While not much of a cuddler, Randall was frequently found nibbling on his owners while they slept. It is generally believed his dream was for his humans to die in their home so that he could eat them, but he refused to comment on the theory.
Found abandoned under a semi-truck trailer at the age of 3 months, Randall was taken in by Kimmy Dee and quickly accepted into her world of weird and misfit pets. His defining characteristic as a child was his uncanny ability to let a silent-but-deadly toxic cloud out of his anus every time he was picked up by a human. While he outgrew this pungent phase, it cemented his place in the hearts and noses of the Dee family forever.
Randall was preceded in death by his feline stepbrothers Bubba (who made him appear thin) and his sickly little buddy Captain Marley Lucas Sugar Mittens. Also preceding him to the ash pile errr pearly gates was his first dog buddy, K.J.
Randall is survived by his elderly step brother Jebus, 11, annoying little step-sister Bubble, 9 months, and the dog he loved to taunt when he was crated but hid from when he was loose, Tyson, 2.
|From left: Jebus, Randall, Bubble.|
In lieu of flowers, the Dee family is requesting donations be made to Randall’s favorite charity: Fat Cats Need Love Too.
A private service will be held this evening, where all members of the Dee family will roll around in cat nip on the living room floor and then pass out on our backs with our legs and arms up in the air in tribute to Randall, who preferred to sleep off a good buzz that way.
Rest in peace, ya sweet little butt nugget. We'll never forget (or stop loving) your fat ass.