Sunday, October 23, 2011

Be a Negative Dick -- It Could Save Your Life.

This was part of a pitch that got rejected by Cracked. Therefore I am regurgitating it all over you fucks. Since it was written for an audience of more than six, it presents actual facts and isn’t littered with toilet humor. I apologize for that.
Negativity Bias as a Survival Mechanism (aka Pessimists Don’t Get Eaten by the Sabre Tooth Tiger)- 

You may think that Negative Nancy at your office is a just a crotchety old bitch, but perhaps she is truly a wonder of evolution.
Scientists theorize that negative thinking evolved as a protection mechanism. If the upright-walking monkeys didn’t consider every horrible thing that could happen to them on the way to the watering hole, chances are a giant bird would swoop in and eat them while they frolicked gaily through the meadow. And their grumpy asshead of a cavemate would see the whole scene as he safely hid behind a rock, laughing his disgruntled dick off.
A tendency to dwell on the negative was crucial to survival when we were cave people, and has carried over into our modern day pea brains. Eeyoring around and pissing on everyone’s happy fun time is way better than becoming lunch for a grizzly bear.
                Our minds instinctively weigh losses over gains, con’s over pro’s, suspect douchebaggery in every sugary sweet smile. We respond more to negative stimuli than positive, therefore that douchebag that cut you off in traffic alters your frame of mind more than that pushover that kindly reminded you that you left your baby on top of the car. Who the fuck do they think they are anyway, parent of the year??
                As you can see, reacting positively in any situation is unnatural and way too fucking hard. Now go eat shit and die.

PS - (I added the "Eat shit and die" part just for you guys--You're welcome.)

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

New Gig.

Do you love Turd Mountain, but wish the subject matter was more newsworthy and not riddled with poop puns? Well then you probably don't even like Turd Mountain, because pointless feces jokes are kind of our niche. But, you should check this new site out. First article compliments of yours pooply.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Turd Mountain Drops a Deuce

My second Cracked article, written with the fantastically hilarious (and creepily intelligent) Monte Richard. I hope you poopstains like it!

And if you're visiting from and you like what you see, "like" Turd Mountain on Facebook to stay updated on all the pertinent poop! If you're more the Twitter type, well, you can read my thoughts on that here.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

My Diarrhea Diaper is Cuter than Yours.

If you use a social network-- whether to stay in touch with friends and family or to scout out potential victims-- you’ve probably seen a post like this one:

ProudMommy99: Vote for my embryo in the cutest zygote contest!!! If Junior gets the most votes I might hold off on that partial birth abortion after all! Please follow this link and remember to vote every day! Junior’s life depends on it! XOXO

                Now I joined Facebook for the noblest of reasons; to spy on past lovers and to drunkenly message people I barely knew in grade school, ranting belligerently about how we just MUST get together. I can accept using social networking to shamelessly promote yourself, it would be stupid not to. (Which reminds me, have you “liked” the official Turd Mountain page on Facebook yet? Stay up to date on all of the pertinent poop by clicking HERE!) But using the internet to enter your infant in a virtual beauty contest? That’s where I draw a line in the kitty litter.
                People who enter their kids in this shit are one spray tan away from being a crazy pageant mom on Toddlers & Tiaras (which I only know about from watching The Soup--I promise). They justify the pimping of their offspring with, “Oh, but it’s only to win a photo shoot!” Well in a few years when Junior is grinding on some grease ball in “The Champagne Room” I’m sure she’ll be using the same logic… “Oh, it’s only to win a crack rock!” 
                When did it become socially acceptable (and encouraged, judging on the sheer number of these fucking posts I see every week) to fill our kids’ heads with the notion that if they’re beautiful and popular, things will just be given to them in life? I firmly believe children should have to wait to learn this sad life lesson the same way previous generations have; in the junior high cafeteria.
                Call me an exploitation excrementer (it’s like a party pooper, except the party favors being handed out are kids’ self-esteem. Shut up, it’ll catch on.) But I simply cannot “vote” for one child over another in a looks-only contest. All children are equally precious in their innocence and unwavering trust.  I will not contribute to passing the notion of beauty equaling self-worth to the next generation of bullies and self-mutilators. Besides, I know my kid’s WAY cuter than any of those snot-nosed little brats.