Saturday, May 21, 2011

English is stupid.

We have these phrases, PROVERBS, stupid cliches, whatever you want to call them. They don't make any fucking sense!!! The one that is bothering me the most lately (as in the last half hour) is "The early bird gets the worm." We've all had this stupid saying beaten into our heads since the first time we overslept for kindergarten. But have you ever stopped to think about it?

Obviously, I get the analogy. If you wake up early you're more likely to accomplish more, all your wildest dreams will come true, blah blah blah. Don't be lazy. I get it. I'm even alright with the fact that our hopes and dreams are being represented as slimy, cylindrical organisms that drag themselves through the dirt. That's all fine and dandy. But I apparently see things way too literally.

For one, we all know those "early birds." They are only out on Sunday morning, when we've had waaaaay too many tequila shots the night before and those stupid fucking birds are just singing their stupid little heads off. And their "song" sounds like a fucking bullhorn on steroids. My sister and I once noted that their call, if listened to closely, sounds like it's saying "Fuck YOU! Fuck YOU! Fuck, fuck, fuck YOOOOOUU!"

Second, I'm no Ted Nugent but I've been fishing a time or two. And I know that the best worms for fishing are called NIGHT-CRAWLERS. Because you catch them at NIGHT. Because they are active at NIGHT. They eat Cheeto's and watch porn like the rest of us normal people do at night. And then they SLEEP IN. Therefore, what the early bird is actually catching are the socially awkward, nerdy, nothing-better-to-do-on-a-Friday-night worms. Well fuck that, you can have those worms. I want the NIGHT-CRAWLERS.

So, if my vision of success is a worm, I want it to be the Le Bron James of worms. Because those early risers...... well, they look a lot like the Wal-Mart surveillance camera footage at 5 AM on Black Friday -- a bunch of fucktards fighting over crap.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Flushing Mothers Day Down the Drain

I'm thinking Mothers Day needs to be revamped. Instead of bombarding our mothers with cards, balloons, flowers, and the plethora of reasons we're thankful for them (existence, for one) why don't we give them the one thing all mothers, old and young, truly crave -- to NOT be mothers for a day.

Sure being a mother is great and all, but from the moment that naked poop machine does the slip-n-slide down the birth canal and a woman is labeled a mother, she loses her identity. Her individuality. She's a mom, like 40 billion other women and 15 million men around the world. (Please note - I don't do actual research. previous numbers were plucked directly from my ass.)

I propose we rename the Hallmark holiday as "National Women Can Do Whatever The Fuck They Want With Complete Disregard For Their Offspring Day." Sure the cards might need to be a little larger to accommodate the title, but it's a small price to pay to honor those who were so generous with their abdominal space for nine months.

So, what does the chick formerly known as Mom do on National Women Can Do Whatever The Fuck They Want With Complete Disregard For Their Offspring Day? Whatever the fuck they want! Children MUST be taken from the premises-- shut up dads, it's not OUR fault you waste your free time watching Nascar or fiddling in the garage with a car everyone knows will never run again.

No kids allowed on N.W.C.D.W.T.F.T.W.W.C.D.F.T.O. Day. In fact men should probably be banned from bars and other public places of celebration as well -- without you turds EVERY day would be do whatever the fuck we want day.

Children must be kept the hell away from us on the day following the used-to-be-Mothers-Day holiday as well. Women shouldn't have to say, "Oh I shouldn't of had that last Jaeger bomb because I have to wake up to change Juniors diarrhea diaper at 5 a.m." Eff that! Women should feel free (yet socially obligated) to get completely shit-faced without consequences on N.W.C.D. what-the-fuck-ever Day.

So a bunch of liberated, drunk, carefree women hanging out without their men and children dragging them down -- how will this inevitably end???

With passing their stupid baby photos around to all their drunk friends as they sob uncontrollably about how much they miss their little brats.