Sunday, October 23, 2011

Be a Negative Dick -- It Could Save Your Life.

This was part of a pitch that got rejected by Cracked. Therefore I am regurgitating it all over you fucks. Since it was written for an audience of more than six, it presents actual facts and isn’t littered with toilet humor. I apologize for that.
Negativity Bias as a Survival Mechanism (aka Pessimists Don’t Get Eaten by the Sabre Tooth Tiger)- 

You may think that Negative Nancy at your office is a just a crotchety old bitch, but perhaps she is truly a wonder of evolution.
Scientists theorize that negative thinking evolved as a protection mechanism. If the upright-walking monkeys didn’t consider every horrible thing that could happen to them on the way to the watering hole, chances are a giant bird would swoop in and eat them while they frolicked gaily through the meadow. And their grumpy asshead of a cavemate would see the whole scene as he safely hid behind a rock, laughing his disgruntled dick off.
A tendency to dwell on the negative was crucial to survival when we were cave people, and has carried over into our modern day pea brains. Eeyoring around and pissing on everyone’s happy fun time is way better than becoming lunch for a grizzly bear.
                Our minds instinctively weigh losses over gains, con’s over pro’s, suspect douchebaggery in every sugary sweet smile. We respond more to negative stimuli than positive, therefore that douchebag that cut you off in traffic alters your frame of mind more than that pushover that kindly reminded you that you left your baby on top of the car. Who the fuck do they think they are anyway, parent of the year??
                As you can see, reacting positively in any situation is unnatural and way too fucking hard. Now go eat shit and die.

PS - (I added the "Eat shit and die" part just for you guys--You're welcome.)


  1. If all that is true, then you are at the pinnacle of evolution, Kimmy.