Friday, August 26, 2011

Who’s Shitting in my Serenity Stable–Part Deux

Welcome to the second installment of the first recurring topic of this shitscape I call a blog. You may recall the inspiration for the first dung dropping under this heading was no other than the King Dick himself Tim Allen. God I hate him and his stupid overly-soothing, adjective-happy, tourism-pimping voice. (Look who’s complaining about adjectives, the chick who has the thesaurus opened to “fecal matter” all the time. At least it’s a noun)

Despite being a total Dick, Santa the Tool-Man Clause is not the only person I find to be a Pure Moron. (No I’m not an idiot when it comes to capitalization, read this and it will all make sense) Next on my shit list is none other than the trifling, tweet-happy twit John Mayer.

Having grown up in Suburbia, I’m perfectly capable of ignoring any pasty white jackass with an acoustic guitar. However, years and years of exposure to this moron have caused irreparable damage to my ears as well as my bowels.

Have you listened to the lyrics of these manure melodies? If you can get yourself past the suicide-provoking instrumentals, you’ll hear shit like:

“Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too”

Parenting advice from the same jackoff who tweets shit like, “I am the new generation of masturbator, I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week…” to the world. Hearing this makes me want to beat my daughter, just to piss John Mayer off.

Do you think any man was just seconds from beating/molesting/walking out on his kid, heard this song, and had a change of heart? Listen to the rest of the song, where Douchebag Supreme reveals that he only wants fathers to be so super to their daughters so that he can fuck the shit out of them later without added baggage. Classy. A real eye-opener. Just think deadbeat dads, John Mayer could impregnate your daughter and you could be RICH, BEEYOTCH! Better stick around and see how that all plays out! For fuck’s sake. Shut up John, if we want advice on how to make our foreheads bigger or grow a creepy mustache we’ll let you know.

And then you have his sexual reputation. As in, he’s good in bed. REALLY good. (allegedly). I find this to be even more reason to hate him, because I want to believe such a vile human being suffers from dick rot or at the bare minimum crippling impotence. But no, his libido is world renowned. Fuck. This means he probably has kids (daughters) all over the world that he’s neglecting, that probably inherited most of his dunderhead genes, and within fifty years we’ll be living on the real life movie set of Idiocracy. (“Welcome to Costco, I love you.")

I’ve also heard that Mayer, or at least his dick, is a white supremacist. I choose not to elaborate on this, because I’d hate to see a libel case against this stool sample of a blog. Everything else I’ve reported is an indisputable fact. Or an opinion of a delusional drunkard. Either way, court protected. Bitches.

And that is all I have to spew at you tonight, my fine minions. But if you need me, you know where to find me. I’ll just be sitting here waiting, (waiting), waiting on the world to change….

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