Anyone who knows me (or has read this blog) knows that I’m technologically retarded. So this next rant, to any educated person, is going to sound even more whiny and dunderheaded than normal. I apologize now for my stupidity, though I feel my imbecilic rage is justified.
Despite being a techtard, I (obviously) use computers every day. When I’m not feverishly fingering my keyboard, I have my so-called “smart” phone attached to my hip. (I’d HATE to miss an important email from my Nigerian prince, forcing him to give all his riches to someone else closer to the keys)
But every time I turn on one of these “convenience” items, there’s some sort of god damn mandatory, critical, do-it-right-fucking-now-or-the-world-will-end SOFTWARE UPDATE. Every fucking time.
I understand that technology is evolving at a crazy fast pace. I get that. But I don’t recall Mother Nature requiring us to click “OK” and “Restart” when she introduced us to opposable thumbs and cleaner alternatives to feces-flinging, and those were WAY bigger deals than any of this petty bullshit.
Every day I update something. And NEVER have I noticed a difference in how ANYTHING worked post-update. I think it’s a government conspiracy, much like the one to steal our feet. More on that another time, shhhhhh, they know I’m on to them.
These never-ending enhancements don’t seem to stop my phone or computer from being obsolete once it’s six months old, so what the fuck is the point?
I hereby vow to never update anything, ever again. New version of Adobe? No thanks. Update to navigation app? Eat shit, I’ll take my chances that the bridge is still standing. Critical upgrade to Windows 7? Go fuck yourself, Microsoft. In fact I’m going to find my old Windows 95 disc and try that puppy on for size. Perhaps I’ll dust off the 2400 modem and start using dial-up from a rotary phone. That’ll show you progress-pimping mother fuckers.
That’s all I have to excrete for today. Oh, and some of you have expressed that you’re having issues loading Turd Mountain. You may need a critical spyware antivirus browser cookie cache update. You should check into that, I hear it’s important.