Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Speling is Soooo Last Sentury!

                I don’t think many could dispute that typing and reading have replaced talking and listening in today’s world. Thanks to technological advances, mutant contagious diseases, and a society-wide disdain for actual human contact, face-to-face dialogue is basically obsolete. Plus, it’s much less confrontational to ignore someone by simply not reading a message than to stick your fingers in your ears and hum loudly until they stop fucking talking. Don’t worry; the anti-talking trend isn’t the part that bothers me. I hate having to wear pants to angrily debate politics and sports just as much as the next person. Of course in pre-internet days it was much harder to find a complete asshole stranger who wanted to argue about nothing, but I digress.      
                My point is your image now comes from your typing. And some of you fuckwads look like window-licking dolts every time your fingers hit the keys.
                I’m not talking about your basic typos. Remember that stupid email going around for a while, citing some probably imaginary study showing that as long as the first and last letter of a word were in the correct spot most people could read even the most mangled of sentences? Well bullshit study or not, I could read every sutipd wrod of taht tinhg. What’s defecating on my disposition right now is people who CAN’T FUCKING SPELL.
                Either we have a pandemic of undiagnosed downs syndrome in this country, or we just never realized how stupid some people were until we gave them a computer and an email address. Come on, I can’t think of one fucking computer program or social network site that does not have a built-in spell check. Which means when you type something that doesn’t even remotely resemble a word, a RED SQUIGGLY LINE immediately underlines it. If it’s somewhat close to an actual idiom, it even delicately suggests to the moron at the keys how to correct their lingual homicide. But apparently these dunderheads were too busy pissing their pants in second grade when a red line was introduced as an indication that something was incorrect and not a symbol of praise for how insightful they are.
                When reading your typing, people are imagining you talking. And here’s how some of you fuckers look:

And then there are those who CAN spell, but to fit in with the rest of the artards on the interwebs they purposely use “text talk,” or repeat the last letter of a word 5 times. Unless you’re under the age of 16 or Rain Man, this is unacceptableeeee. See? Looks fucking stupid.

                I feel the need to reiterate, I *love* that we’ve reached a point where we no longer have to talk to each other in person.  Not to mention if it weren’t for our great advancements in antisocialism I would never be able to unleash my childish rage for millions to read. (And for the three of you that do actually read this, I thank you.) But please, PLEASE, watch for those scarlet squigglies. You may think appearing uneducated is cute, but it really just makes you look like a duck*.

*Sorry, should’ve said DICK.


  1. That's great stuff, Kimmy. I came to your blog via the article you wrote at Cracked about Happiness. Brilliant and hilarious!

  2. I too found you from Cracked. Interesting to see someone who hates everything as much as me. Perhaps more. Keep up the good work.

  3. "Which means when you type something that doesn’t even remotely resemble a word, a RED SQUIGGLY LINE immediately underlines it."

    I always wondered how the FUCK people can misspell so often when this exists!?

    You are my fucking hero. :)

  4. the cracked article was fantastic, but i think your despise for people that want to "appear uneducated" appears a bit uneducated in itself.

    for example, if you've read some decent literature on language and communication you'd understand that a given language is just an agreed upon mapping of signifiers and signified, and that wthr i tlk lk dis or nt, if i'm typing that to somebody who understands that, it's a perfectly legitimate way of communicating. same goes for most grammar mistakes, accents and local-speak, peoples ideas of "love" and other semantically debated words, and so on.

  5. Thanks for the feedback. Looking like an asshole myself is kind of the point of this blog. That and to make as many poop references as possible. Sorry it wasn't your cup of Metamucil but I appreciate you stopping by!

  6. Spot fuckin on! See, I got the red line under "fuckin".

  7. About time somebody said this, Kimmy. Way too many lazy idiots in our society who can't be bothered to type an actual word. Keep it up.

    May I b xqzd now?