Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Time to Flush that Bowel Ballad Once and For All!

                Since no one has offered to pay me to rant about stupid shit that no one cares about (YET!), I’m forced to work a crappy job. Like most crappy jobs, I’m stuck enduring an annoying, monotonous radio station the entire day. You know the kind, they advertise playing the very best of 80’s, 90’s, and NOW! Translation: They dig in the sewer that is the last three decades in adult contemporary music and pull out the turds that still float.
                While I could pick on each and every one of these earturds, the one that’s defecating on my delightful demeanor (sarcasm through alliteration – I am truly a literary pioneer) the most right now is Prince’s 1983 smash hit 1999.
                Don’t get me wrong, I *LOVE* Prince. Like 98% of women and 86% of men* I am wildly attracted to the sexy beast. I mean, how they crammed that much sex appeal into a melodious little midget is truly amazing. But this song, 1999, needs to do what most good 80’s tunes did a long time ago, and that’s die a stinky death.
                In the 80’s the song had a cool, futuristic vibe to it. In the late 90’s it was retro. Now it sounds like a Cabbage Patch Kid being butt raped by a G.I. Joe with a Rubik’s cube. (One of the special edition talking Cabbage Patch Kids. Shut up, those were the first 80’s novelties that came to my mind)
                The song lyrics implied that the world was going to end in 2000, and probably led to the Y2K panic. Hey, Prince is not only sexy, he’s smart enough to fuck a record label over by changing his name to a stupid symbol. Who’s to say he can’t be a doomsday prophet as well?
                So you can see where my main problem with the song lies – it’s 2011. And we’re still here. And they’re still fucking playing the song. Every god damn day. You don’t see people flocking to that jackoff who predicted the false rapture last Spring, now do you? Who, you say? Exactly.
                I’m thinking Prince needs to do a remix, for 2011. The world is going to end in 2012 anyway when the Mayans return on their spaceship and infect us all with AIDS and terminal bird flu. The plot has already been set in motion with the emergence of the cock feather hair accessory (See, I CAN link these stupid blog entries somehow). Your hairdresser didn’t tell you that the avian flu cells are seeping into your bloodstream through your scalp now, did they? But I digress.
                Kanye West should be in on the remix. I mean, if the world is truly going to end in 2012, I’m sure that fucker is involved somehow.
                While we’re at it, let’s just remake ALL the stupid songs of that era. “Video Killed the Radio Star” could have the sequel “Orange Tarts from New Jersey Killed the Video Star, Causing All Remaining Video Star Fans to Pile into an STD-Filled Bus to Compete for the Has-Been’s Love.” It’s a working title.
                All I’m saying is with the extensive catalog of Prince’s music, combined with the climate crisis being one of the biggest issues of the day; couldn’t they just play Purple Rain? And I’m sure the doves still have plenty, if not more, to cry about.
                But even though I fly into a fit of uncontrollable rage whenever I hear 1999, at least it’s not Taylor Swift or Katy Perry. Or for fuck’s sake Tim Allen.

*DISCLAIMER: I do not do actual research. Ever.


  1. Heard that prince jam on my way in today and thought the same haha

  2. did the cabbage patch have a light bulb sized hole burned into her red hair?

  3. I would like to request When Dove's Cry for the power jam workout hour at noon tomorrow for you