Sunday, June 19, 2011

Twitter Twits

                In the beginning, Al Gore created the internet and then some nerd that hung out with Justin Timberlake invented social networking. People joined ONE site and then mercilessly ridiculed the others. It was like West Side Story, lame as hell and more time was spent flamboyantly prancing around than actually fighting. You had the Facebook Jets versus the Twitter Sharks; and of course the MySpace Pink Ladies from Grease—annoying, ugly, and irrelevant.
                I aligned with Facebook, and thus my hatred for Twitter was born. No, I’ve never used Twitter. Nor have I ever made an effort to understand it. And it is my God-given right (and responsibility) as an American to loathe and make fun of anything I don’t understand.
                I do know that people use Twitter to cyber-stalk celebrities, which sounds to me like one of the saddest, most pathetic pastimes a person could engage in. I mean if you want to read the pointless ramblings of a moron brunette named Kim with a huge ass, just follow this blog.
                This blind hatred was just fine for me, but then the unthinkable happened. Twitter started infiltrating Facebook. WITH THIS: #.
                A pound sign. I refuse to call it anything else. “Hashtag” sounds like a game we would’ve played in high school if we had been granted recess time. Just typing it gives me cotton mouth.
                Suddenly that little devilish symbol is everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I don’t get it, and I don’t like it. I can’t even play tic-tac-toe anymore without breaking into a cold sweat.
                Then there’s the ultimate in shameless encroachment. People are updating their facebook statuses VIA TWITTER. What???? Are you that fucking important that you need to use two different social networking outlets, but not clever enough to come up with more than one coherent thought to post?
                Using both Facebook and Twitter is like leading a double life, with a different spouse and different kids in a different state. Why would you want your Oklahoma family to read what you’re doing with your East Coast hussy?  
                So please, PLEASE, re-segregate social networking sites. I need Twitter out of my life. Let’s cuff our jeans and snap our fingers in unison to show how tough we are.
                I’ll leave you with this: #FuckTwitter

No comments:

Post a Comment