Thursday, June 30, 2011

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Turds

So you’ve picked a side in the bombastic battle of the social networks, and now you’ve got the most important decision of your life looming over you: your profile picture. What the rest of the world will see every time you post intriguing tidbits such as what you had for dinner or what your weekend plans involve.  I’ve compiled a list of the most common credibility-killing pitfalls to steer clear of in order to achieve profile-pic-perfection. 

#1- Fish Lips. This seems to be a growing trend among 18-35 year old females, where the subject has their lips puckered up in such a way they are either preparing to passionately kiss an orangutan or have just eaten a lemon sprinkled with chunks of rancid milk. Apparently, their mothers never issued the warning: “If you keep making that face it will freeze that way.” It’s tragic, really. Good luck trying to make an insightful point about the tyranny of oil wars while looking like Big Mouth Billy Bass.

#2-The Standing-In-Front-Of-A-Mirror-Holding-The-Camera Picture. Nothing says “all my friends live on the interwebs” like this pose. Really, you couldn’t get ONE PERSON to hold the camera and take your stupid picture? Plus it’s usually a man with his shirt off and boxers rising 4 inches above his jeans, or a scantily clad chick striking a pseudo-sexy stance– implying the subject is too modest to have someone else take such a risqué photo of them but then proceeding to post it on the internet for all casual acquaintances to gawk at.

#3- The Extreme Close-Up. The eyes may be the window to the soul, but the pores in your forehead are like those ground-level basement half-windows that you purposely don’t clean the cobwebs off of so that you can successfully hide from the outside world all the filthy, nasty shit you leave down there because it’s too large for your trash bin, so you’re saving it to baffle future archaeologists. In other words, it’s gross. Don’t do it.

#4- The “Spontaneous” Sexy Shot. So you just HAPPENED to be straddling a banister or sprawled out on a playground slide when your friend happened by with a camera.  Oops! You’re just soooo wild and unpredictable! Trust me, everyone knows there’s 30 outtakes stored on your hard drive, cut the bullshit. Plus do you really think your former babysitter, your cousin’s wife, or for fuck’s sake your MOTHER that you’re Facebook friends with seriously want to stare at your camel toe every time you comment about the “CRAZY weather we’re having?!?!”  Keep that shit to yourself.

                 Now that you know what NOT to do, I will leave you with some examples from my own faux pas-free Facebook page.  I strive for dignity and class at all times, as you can see. That’s why I’m allowed to stand on this soap box. They don’t let just ANYONE have a blog you know. I mean, you also have to have an email address.


  1. I like you. Is that a rabbit humping a chicken?

  2. hahaha, yes, that's where Easter eggs come from.