I'm thinking Mothers Day needs to be revamped. Instead of bombarding our mothers with cards, balloons, flowers, and the plethora of reasons we're thankful for them (existence, for one) why don't we give them the one thing all mothers, old and young, truly crave -- to NOT be mothers for a day.
Sure being a mother is great and all, but from the moment that naked poop machine does the slip-n-slide down the birth canal and a woman is labeled a mother, she loses her identity. Her individuality. She's a mom, like 40 billion other women and 15 million men around the world. (Please note - I don't do actual research. previous numbers were plucked directly from my ass.)
I propose we rename the Hallmark holiday as "National Women Can Do Whatever The Fuck They Want With Complete Disregard For Their Offspring Day." Sure the cards might need to be a little larger to accommodate the title, but it's a small price to pay to honor those who were so generous with their abdominal space for nine months.
So, what does the chick formerly known as Mom do on National Women Can Do Whatever The Fuck They Want With Complete Disregard For Their Offspring Day? Whatever the fuck they want! Children MUST be taken from the premises-- shut up dads, it's not OUR fault you waste your free time watching Nascar or fiddling in the garage with a car everyone knows will never run again.
No kids allowed on N.W.C.D.W.T.F.T.W.W.C.D.F.T.O. Day. In fact men should probably be banned from bars and other public places of celebration as well -- without you turds EVERY day would be do whatever the fuck we want day.
Children must be kept the hell away from us on the day following the used-to-be-Mothers-Day holiday as well. Women shouldn't have to say, "Oh I shouldn't of had that last Jaeger bomb because I have to wake up to change Juniors diarrhea diaper at 5 a.m." Eff that! Women should feel free (yet socially obligated) to get completely shit-faced without consequences on N.W.C.D. what-the-fuck-ever Day.
So a bunch of liberated, drunk, carefree women hanging out without their men and children dragging them down -- how will this inevitably end???
With passing their stupid baby photos around to all their drunk friends as they sob uncontrollably about how much they miss their little brats.